Gov. Cooper should whisper sweet nothings in Disney’s ear

Pssst. Say, you cute little mousy: Wanna nibble on this cheese for a bit?

That’s the type of sweet nothings that Gov. Roy Cooper and North Carolina legislators should be whispering in the ear of Disney World officials in Florida after the governor and legislature there spitefully rescinded the company’s special tax status.

Why’d they make such a curious move?

Because they claim that Disney supports teaching tots about being gay.

For the record: Nobody was trying to teach tots about being gay, but Florida’s governor knows how to rile up voters. Gov. Ron DeSantis sees taking on the mighty mouse in a culture war confrontation as his way of solidifying his conservative bona fides for when he inevitably announces his presidential candidacy.

Regardless of what DeSantis and Disney are going through, some may consider it an unseemly violation of ‘bro code” for one state to try to bird dog another’s business at the first sign of discord.

Not I — and I hope not Gov. Cooper who should, in the words of Shalamar’s 1980 pop music hit, “make that move right now, baby” and entice the mice to North Carolina.

First, though, he must observe bro code protocol and call up Ragin’ Ron man to man.

Cooper: Say, homes. I hear you and Minnie are no longer seeing beady eye to beady eye. Do you mind if I offer her a bite of my Gorgonzola?

DeSantis: @#$%&!

States have been poaching businesses from each other for as long as there have been states — like the time North Carolina thought it had a shot at the gleaming BMW plant we Tar Heels pass each time we drive through South Carolina on I-85.

We can only hope that our legislators have learned that you must sweeten the pot to attract major industry.

Hmm, what does North Carolina have to offer that Florida doesn’t?

For one thing, fewer hurricanes. For another, we’re not predicted to be underwater in the next decade.

And, we know how to treat a mouse, if my experience is any indication. When I bought a house in Durham several years ago, the sellers were so conscientious that they told me before I signed my Herbie Hancock on the contract that the house had a mouse. They were also aghast at my stated plan to purchase deadly mouse traps.

“Everybody’s got mice,” they said while explaining how they dealt with the rodents: They captured them, took them to the wooded area out back and set them free.

“My, what a great idea,” I said, lest my true intentions put the sale at risk.

Of course, unless you’re a Russian oligarch trying to hide your wealth, land in Durham and the rest of the Triangle may be too expensive even for Disney. In that case, Cooper could show them some nice underdeveloped land in other parts of the state.

Take Rockingham. Please. My hometown once thrived, with at least one textile mill per every 1,000 residents before we were devastated by NAFTA.

M-I-C-K-E-Y might be just what we need after NAFTA.

I know for a fact that the wooded lot next door to Mr. Noah LeGrande’s house has been untamed and unclaimed for at least 50 years, ever since Mr. Toby and Miss Lucille moved. It’s not lakefront, but there’s a creek running behind it.

Fret not, Floridians. Losing Disney World to us won’t be a total loss for y’all. With housing so scarce that Durham real estate agents are selling homes as far away as Mebane and Burlington, new Disney employees might find themselves having to stay in Florida — and commute to North Carolina for work.

This story was originally published May 9, 2022 at 4:30 AM with the headline "Gov. Cooper should whisper sweet nothings in Disney’s ear."