I’m just waiting for the day when servers and flight attendants strike back

In the 1960s, two flirty flight attendants — they were “stewardesses” back then — wrote a tell-all book about their glamorous lifestyles.

The title, from their suggestive greeting to male passengers, was “Coffee, Tea or Me?”

Question: Why should anyone be tantalized with the idea that buying an airplane ticket entitled them to not just a seat and a bag of nuts, but to the flight attendant, too? Even worse, the book was written by a dude, a Mad Men-era public relations executive who used the flight attendants as props.

Considering how the friendly skies are not so friendly these days, be prepared for an updated version of that greeting the next time you board a flight: “Coffee, tea or a knee to the groin?”

Incidents involving unruly or violent passengers have increased by 300% so far this year compared to last year, according to the Federal Aviation Administration. Flight attendants aren’t taking it with a Coke and a smile; they are taking self-defense lessons. No wonder, since United Airlines just said they can no longer duct tape rowdy passengers to their seats.

Darn.

Calls to the Association of Flight Attendants union went unreturned (I suspect they’re all out learning throat punches), but a survey of AFA members showed that 85% of them had dealt with rowdy passengers in the first six months of this year. Twenty percent reported being physically assaulted.

Rude behavior, alas, is not limited to the skies. Restaurant workers are also dealing with it.

You know those misanthropes who gripe that servers introducing themselves is TMI (too much information)? “Why,” they ask, “do we need to know their name? Just bring me my fried mush and butt steak and leave me alone.” They’re going to be in for a big shock when future introductions include even more personal information:

“Hi, my name is Jason and I’ll be your server tonight. In addition to the listed specials, we have beef medallions and mushrooms in a red wine sauce. The beef is very, very tender, and it got that way because each day before work my co-workers and I practice Muy Thai moves on it. That’s right; these hands are registered weapons, so consider that before you begin abusing the staff. Now, can I start you off with an appetizer?”

The lone memorable confrontation I’ve had with a server was 25 years ago at a now-defunct Italian restaurant in Durham, when one invited me outside to settle our differences — differences I didn’t even know we had.

First, I pointed out to him some dried food on my fork. He cheerfully brought me a clean one, so I thought everything was Kool & the Gang.

Later during the meal, I saw another diner, who’d obviously been raised by a deranged mongoose, take a bite off a biscuit, toss it back into the pan with other biscuits and walk out the door. When I alerted my server to this dreaded breach of bread decorum, he inexplicably took it personally.

Him: Do you want to fight me?

Me: Uh, no sir. I just...

Him: I get off in 15 minutes.

I finished my meal in five and split.

As someone who wouldn’t dream of being intentionally rude to a server — for one thing, my late Grandma would be disappointed and for another, there are no percentages in riling the person who handles one’s food. I will greet the day when we see kinder, gentler diners or, if they aren’t, we’ll be treated to a floor show as servers mopped up the floor with them.

Servers would, of course, have to wear a belt — white, yellow, brown, black — denoting their level of martial arts expertise, so that aggressively confrontational customers will know beforehand how likely they are to end up in traction.

This story was originally published August 30, 2021 at 2:25 PM with the headline "I’m just waiting for the day when servers and flight attendants strike back."