Opinion

What gerrymandering? Every North Carolina district just happens to look like a monster.

Senators Dan Soucek, left, and Brent Jackson, right, review historical maps during The Senate Redistricting Committee for the 2016 Extra Session in the Legislative Office Building at the N.C. General Assembly on Feb. 16, 2016.
Senators Dan Soucek, left, and Brent Jackson, right, review historical maps during The Senate Redistricting Committee for the 2016 Extra Session in the Legislative Office Building at the N.C. General Assembly on Feb. 16, 2016. clowenst@newsobserver.com

The North Carolina GOP said in a statement that it cannot possibly have gerrymandered the state’s congressional districts, as “a ‘gerrymander’ is by definition and common understanding, a strange looking ‘monster’ drawing.”

Chris Ingraham correctly pointed out on Twitter that all North Carolina’s 2nd District needs is googly eyes to become a monster menacing Raleigh.

And furthermore:

Readers are making a very compelling case that NC-2 + NC-4 looks like some sort of ogre eating a squirrel, Ingraham commented.

But it is not only that. Every district is a monster. Consider (all images courtesy of the Census Bureau, via Wikimedia Commons):

1NC

This is a sad hammerhead pounding its fist on the ground as it kneels and swears vengeance for its family.

2NC

This is a monster eating Raleigh, or, alternatively, it is the state of Texas being dragged into the sky by an enormous bat.

3NC

This monster is three sock puppet heads laughing at a sexist joke.

4NC

I cannot do any better than the squirrel! It has Alabama for a tail! It also could be a dam or milk carton springing a leak. The milk has turned! Turned … into an unholy monster.

5NC

They asked President Trump to draw the continental United States, and he did a pretty okay job, but then it became sentient and turned on everyone.

6NC

The letter “I” got mold on it.

7NC

This alien shape bursting out of the stomach of South Carolina will soon devour everyone to the north.

8NC

This is a monster’s lost leg and, it will not rest until it finds its old master.

9NC

The Hulk’s head and one burly arm are slowly emerging from the side of South Carolina like a malevolent green sun.

10NC

This district is a little poodley dog that has been landscaped past its point of endurance and it is going to rear up on its legs and bite.

11NC

This rhinoceros genie being forced back into its lamp will not forget the wrongs it has suffered.

12NC

This is just Sherlock Holmes in profile smoking a tiny pipe. I guess someone in North Carolina really likes Sherlock Holmes and wanted to build a tribute to him out of voters.

13NC

This Aslan with a bushy tail doesn’t know that he has been perverted for a bad cause, and when he realizes, he will unleash his wrath.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”

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