Ex-etiquette: Long-distance dilemma

Q: My child's father lives 300 miles away from us. He just proposed that our son live with him for two weeks, then me for two weeks. Our son is only 2. I don't want to seem like "the boss" who is running the show, but this can't be good for him. What's good ex-etiquette?

A. The first rule of good ex-etiquette for parents is, "Put your children first." Translation: Practicing good ex-etiquette means keep your child's needs in the forefront.

It's understandable that Dad wants more time with his child -- everyone wants more time with their children. But, in long-distance situations, particularly when the child is this young, in the best interest of the child, there must be a primary caregiver.

When I have worked with parents who think "two weeks/two weeks" may be a solution, the thought is that longer periods of time with each parent give the child time to adjust.

That's true when the child is an older teen. But at 2 years old, your son is still developing a sense of security based on consistency, routine and frequent contact with his primary caregivers.

Child development professionals tell us that at this stage, shorter, more frequent contact tends to support stronger attachment and a greater sense of stability. Long separations, especially across distance, can be confusing and for some children, distressing.

This isn't about preference, or even what's "fair." It's about development. Good ex-etiquette means making decisions based on what your child can handle at his age, not what feels "fair" to the adults.

That doesn't mean shutting the other parent out. It means adjusting the parenting plan so your son can have a meaningful relationship with both of you in a way that fits his developmental needs.

You might say, "I understand wanting more time with him, and I want that for you, too. At his age, though, long stretches away from either of us may be hard on him. Let's look at ways he can see you more often, but for shorter periods right now."

Offer alternatives. More frequent visits if possible. Extended time as he gets older. Regular video calls to maintain connection in between. The goal is to build the relationship, not stretch it beyond what a 2-year-old can comfortably manage.

And don't worry about sounding like "the boss." There's a difference between being controlling and being the parent who is thinking developmentally. When you stay focused on your child's needs - and communicate that clearly - you're not asserting authority over the other parent, you're advocating for your son.

As he grows, schedules can and should evolve. What doesn't work at age 2 may work beautifully at 7 or 10. For now, think short, consistent and connected.

And it's not written in stone that you must live 300 miles away from each other. Either of you can move closer so you can better share your child's time.

When decisions are guided by what helps your child feel safe and secure, both parents are supporting the same goal - even if the path looks different than originally imagined.

That's good ex-etiquette.

____

Copyright 2026 Tribune Content Agency. All Rights Reserved.

This story was originally published May 12, 2026 at 4:42 AM.