What superpowers do you want? – Neil Offen

Gal Gadot as Diana in the film “Wonder Woman.”
Gal Gadot as Diana in the film “Wonder Woman.” TNS

Watching Wonder Woman deflect artillery with her wrist bracelets, encircle all of Belgium with her magic lasso (fortunately, it’s a small country) and end World War I while never seeming out of breath got me, ahem, wondering.

It also got me jealous.

I do not have magic artillery-deflecting bracelets. I do not have an impermeable shield that’s probably machine washable or a special sword that can be either formal or business casual. Furthermore, I think I may have misplaced my magic lasso – it could be in the garage somewhere, maybe buried under the bag of cat litter we keep around as a cheap replacement for snow melt.

That is, I don’t have any superpowers and, to be frank, I would like some. Wouldn’t you? Which superpowers would you like? After careful consideration, these are the ones I figured out I would enjoy:

Flying. If I could fly on my own, I wouldn’t go through security control, not even TSA Pre-check. I’d refuse to put all my liquids in little baggies. And I definitely wouldn’t be flying economy or even premium economy. Also, I would most likely make sure I’d be in boarding priority Group 1, not 5.

Spamcontrol. When my email spam filter doesn’t work and allows in messages that look like real emails but are, instead, solicitations from credit-card companies, I incredibly refuse to forward any requests to share this offer with all my friends.

Decluttering muscle. As the need arises, and space diminishes, I am able to rid myself of tattered old T-shirts, supermarket bags and plastic ponchos from a 2007 visit to Florida’s Gator Land that have taken over the downstairs closet.

Technovision. With just the force of sheer concentration, this immediately enables me to understand how to transform a PDF file into a Word document. It also lets me upload to the cloud, although I would need the superpower premium version to discover where the cloud is.

Cocktail party command. I’ve just been introduced to someone I’ve never seen before at an intimate gathering. My new acquaintance wants to talk to me of his conspiracy theories about the connection between Russian meddling in the election and Beyonce’s twins. The person who introduced us has conveniently vanished. This superpower enables me to interrupt the tales of conspiracy and say I need to head over to the bar and get another drink and then to hide under the bar for the rest of the night.

Shapeshifting. This is, I realize, a very commonly desired superpower because just about everyone occasionally wants to change the shape of the body and look like someone else. This would be so much easier than abdominal crunches or bilateral arm curls. As someone who is severely flat-footed, I would really like to have arches.

Superspeed. Actually, this is not a superpower I want or really need. I am always early and get to the movies even before the first of the endless previews. But, not naming names here, if I could get this for my wife, when we’re getting ready to go out ...

You can reach Neil Offen at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com. Find past columns at www.theneiloffencolumn.wordpress.com.