Neil Offen

Welcome to the new iMe. Well, it’s better than the new oldMe — Neil Offen

We are extremely proud to officially introduce today our newest model, the Neil Offen X (Insider tip: the X is pronounced eeks, but only when we are in Paris).

This new model, we believe, will revolutionize our understanding of what a human device can do, particularly if it finally begins that low-carb diet and tries to exercise a little more regularly. This is the biggest leap forward since the original model was introduced some time ago, a quantum improvement since the new model has, for the first time, built-in quantums.

The X offers a number of features never seen before. They begin with facial recognition. If you look at my face, you are extremely likely to recognize that when you approach me in the supermarket aisle, I don’t quite know who you are. However, if you will give me a few moments, and several thousand infrared dots, I’m likely to recall that your daughter and our daughter were both, briefly, in Girl Scouts together some years ago, even if your name doesn’t ring any bell at all.

In addition, with facial recognition I can stare blankly at any of my other devices and wonder why none of them has cleaned the garage yet.

The facial recognition hardware replaces the mirror in the bathroom, where frequently you don’t recognize that reflection which looks even older and more tired than you feel when you rise after a long night of restless sleep. And after that restless sleep, to wake up the new model, instead of that insistent blaring alarm, you just tap the device — frequently, starting with the back and then moving to the neck and then violently shaking the head before screaming that the house is on fire.

With the new model, you can use your face as your password, as long as you don’t mind tattooing #, $ or % on the bridge of your nose.

The X model, which is made of aerospace-grade Oreos and is microscopically sealed for water and dust resistance except during high pollen season in the spring when it still sneezes, offers a super-retina, high-gloss, low-gluten interchangeable interface. No other model on the market can offer such an incomprehensible description.

It is able to do all this because it contains a new chip, the sea salt-flavored, oven-baked, ruffled veggie chip, which provides improved videography and better HDL cholesterol. The chip also enables augmented reality, which is considerably better than regular reality, which, God knows, hasn’t been so great lately.

We realize that some of you may be questioning why this new model is so expensive. That’s because it is a premium model and as you know, premiums have gone way up and even the co-pays have risen, too. Yes, the cost of this model may raise eyebrows, but with the new iMe, we can, in fact, raise both eyebrows, and sometimes even one at a time.

Neil Offen can be reached at Past columns can be found at