Thank you for your purchase. Please complete the following survey and be entered for a chance to win another survey.
How often do you make a purchase like this?
a) Once a week.
b) Once a month.
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c) Never on Sundays.
d) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.
What was the main factor in your purchase?
d) Absence of cat dander.
Was the availability of convenient parking important to your purchase?
a) Very much.
b) Very little.
c) Not so much.
d) Not so little.
Please rate your overall satisfaction with your purchase.
a) Highly satisfied.
b) Moderately satisfied.
c) Would prefer to have bought an outdated package of cocktail weenies imported from Ukraine.
d) I hope you rot in hell.
How were you treated by our sales representative?
a) I was greeted warmly and offered a glass of hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.
b) I waited hours for my cinnamon stick, which turned out not to be cinnamon but star anise.
c) I was ignored from the time I walked in until the time I found my own cinnamon stick.
d) We immediately saw eye-to-eye and decided right there on the spot to vacation together in Aruba. Nuptials are planned for April 25: Save the date.
Please rate your satisfaction with the service you encountered.
a) Highly satisfied.
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied.
d) Neither conscious nor unconscious, mostly just in a cinnamon-induced coma for the duration.
How often do you use the product?
a) Very often
c) Mainly during transcontinental solar eclipses.
d) Only when held up at gunpoint.
If you could change one thing about your purchase experience, what would it be?
a) I would have stayed home and watched reruns of “Friends,” except for the episode where Ross and Rachel get drunk in Las Vegas.
b) Instead of the F-150 extended cab diesel hybrid, I would have bought a new food processor.
c) I wouldn’t have tried to pay in nickels.
d) Although Aruba is quite nice, I think we should have chosen the Cayman Islands for the snorkeling.
Have you visited or contacted us before?
c) Was on hold for 32 minutes trying to leave a voicemail. Does that count?
d) Yes, but used another identity since mine had been stolen on the Internet because, despite warnings, I use the same password for all my accounts.
Would you recommend us to friends and acquaintances?
a) What makes you think I have friends?
b) How much would be in it for me?
c) If I did, could I get the senior discount next time?
d) No, but I would recommend you to that creep who rear-ended me in the Whole Foods parking lot and then just drove off.
Neil Offen can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Past columns can be found at www.theneiloffencolumn.wordpress.com.