Neil Offen

The department of correction — Offen

Neil Offen

Neil Offen
Neil Offen

This column would like to apologize for a series of errors that have appeared in previous columns.

A report on the brunch I prepared last weekend that featured French toast, granola cups and curry-flavored hash browns mistakenly noted that president Kim Jong-un of North Korea was among the guests at the brunch.

A paragraph devoted to my inability to effectively load the dishwasher described incorrectly the machine as radioactive and belonging to Chance the Rapper.

An aside about my running prowess referred imprecisely to how long it took me to complete a recent 5K race. The reference should have noted that it was a 1K and it was actually not a K but an R.

A sentence alluding to my plans for retirement misstated the relationship between two of the characters in Handel’s Third Oratorio. The two are not sisters but are, in fact, financial advisors together at Goldman Sachs. Also, it was not Handel’s Third Oratorio but a hip hop revival of My Fair Lady.

Because of an editing error, a recent question mark should have been a semicolon.

A listing of promises I’ve made to myself that I haven’t yet fulfilled erroneously attributed all the fault to myself. Some of the fault should have been shared with others who have egged me on, including but not limited to Kim Jong-un.

A catalog of the items I have recently lost misidentified the contents of my wallet. Instead of a driver’s license, three credit cards, four health insurance cards, 17 dollar bills and a small sheet of paper with a phone number written on it that I could no longer attribute to anyone I knew, the contents actually included only 11 dollar bills, my car insurance card and an old newspaper clipping of a recipe for eggplant parmesan.

A recent notation concerning eggplant parmesan should instead have cited risotto a la Milanese.

A column devoted to prunes misspelled the names of my children. They are Dick and Jane, not Othello and Desdemona.

When writing recently about the threat of nuclear annihilation, I mistakenly gave an outdated title to Captain Kangaroo. He is no longer a captain but is, instead, a chief petty officer (ret).

Because of a writing error, a column that should have been about the communications abilities of porpoises and places to see in Kazakhstan was wrongly focused on repairing my lawn mower instead.

A correction in a recent column incorrectly corrected a mistake that had tried to rectify an error that referenced a gaffe included in a lapse that was part of an inaccurate oversight.

We sincerely apologize.

Neil Offen can be reached at Past columns can be found at