Guest columnist
May I bum a smoke, Mr. President?
Just kidding.
I quit a while back. Still, I'd like to know how you'd respond: "Sorry, it's my last one. ... What do I look like, a cigarette machine? ... Smoking is bad for you; that's why I'm trying to quit."
Trying?
By the way, I've never heard of doctors giving such cavalier advice to a smoker as yours did recently: "Continue smoking cessation efforts." My doctor would have said, "Why the hell are you trying to kill yourself? Quit. Now."
I'll bet that none of those doctors mentioned your lips.
Allow me: Mr. President, you appear to be wearing purple lipstick.
Could it be a brand known as Smoky Residue, that fatally attractive blend of tar, ammonia, arsenic, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide and other carcinogenic chemicals that are so thoroughly absorbed into your porous lips that it becomes a virtual second skin?
Not to be nosy, but when you kiss the first lady, does she say, "Yuck, you taste like an ashtray." Or is it more like licking a spittoon?
Keep smoking, sir, and that caricature of you as the Joker on those Tea Party posters won't be a caricature for long. I'm just saying.
That's what smoking did to my lips, turned them a deep magenta.
I truly empathize, though.
Have you ever thrown a pack of cigarettes into a trash can after promising to quit -- then gone fishing for it soon after? Been there.
You promised not to smoke "in the White House."
I promised not to smoke in mine, too. So where do you go? Rose Garden? Roof? How about the first lady's vegetable garden on the South Lawn? Maybe she can get the 4-H Club to grow some tobacco next to her healthy leafy greens.
Seriously, boss. Sneaking out for a puff might have been fun as a juvenile, but as the leader of the free world? A slave to the cigs? Come on, man.
Remember the National Fatherhood Initiative you kicked off at the White House last June?
Invited a roomful of black boys and their mentors. Gave a talk about the importance of being good role models and setting good examples.
What does that mean: smoke Marlboros like you do instead of Kools and Newports?
That same month, you signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act, which prohibits tobacco companies from marketing to children and, as you put it, provides "the public with the information they need to understand what a dangerous habit this is."
So here is the danger in a nutshell: Tobacco use causes nearly one in five deaths in the United States -- more than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide and illegal drugs combined, according to the American Cancer Society.
So what? Understanding the danger hasn't stopped you.
So, just put down the cancer sticks and let the presidential chips fall where they may.
Lose your temper, say a dirty word.
Make offers that your political opponents can't refuse for a change.
Kick the habit and kick some butts.
Back at that White House event last year, I heard you speak so proudly about your daughters.
Let's hope that when you hug them, they push away and cry, "Stinky Daddy!"
Do not let them get accustomed to that odor -- mouthwash and cologne do not hide it, either.
You know what happens when girls start associating tobacco smoke with hugs from a loving father.
They end up marrying nicotine fiends, just like dear old dad, and maybe even get hooked on the stuff themselves.
I'm just saying.
So, you got a light?
Washington Post columnist Courtland Milloy's e-mail address is milloyc@washpost.com
