I once had a student who was drawn to that creek like a magnet. He knew the rules and yet he consistently disobeyed. After having him sit out several times to ponder this predicament, his mother said to me, "If you don't want the children to go in the creek, why do you even expose them to it? Just don't go near it." Yes, that was one way to look at it. But I saw things a little differently.
We all know that we can't shield our children from every temptation and danger. While it is our job to protect our children, it is a job we slowly have to work ourselves out of so that, as they mature, our sons and daughters can begin to make their own decisions about what they should and shouldn't do. That's how children learn independence.
You certainly don't want to dangle something tempting in front of your child and then say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, you're not allowed to do that!" On the other hand, it is important for your child to learn that some things are just off limits, at least for now. He can enjoy them later. When he is older. When he can appreciate them. Or when he is old enough to know how to use them properly. What you are doing is teaching your child to defer instant gratification. In an age when technology has made everything easily, and instantly, accessible, isn't that a valuable lesson for even parents to learn?
When children come to expect everything they want when they want it, they become demanding. Tantrums and disobedience follow. This has endless applications -- a cookie before a meal, TV before bedtime, just 30 more minutes on the computer. You get the idea. Before you know it, your child is calling the shots and you are shrinking back in fear.
Don't let this happen. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest talk. Discuss the areas where you have been too lenient with your child. Decide on some appropriate boundaries and agree to implement them. Hold each other accountable. Have someone -- your spouse, a relative, or a close friend -- to encourage and counsel you when you fall short. Then be patient and realize that regaining control is a process that takes time.
After you have taken these steps, sit down with your child and explain to her exactly what your expectations are. Be transparent. Let her know that you have made a mistake by allowing her to be disrespectful or disobedient. Then tell her that from now on you will not allow her to behave this way. Explain specifically what you expect of her and what the consequences will be for disobeying.
You will be surprised at how empowering these steps will be. Not only for you, but for your child. Children want us to place the bar high. I have had many conferences in which I tell parents whose child is struggling with self-control or being disrespectful that we need to let their child know that we have high expectations for him.
What does it say to a child when you have low expectations for his behavior? Basically it says, "I don't really think you can do any better." However, when you set the bar high you're saying, "I believe in you. I know you can do better and I'm going to help you get there." What a difference! Not only does it energize you as a parent, but it gives your child a boost by letting him know that you are partnering in his success. Next week, the motives behind discipline. Until then, happy parenting.
Excerpted from "HOW TO PREPARE FOR KINDERGARTEN: A Common Sense Guide to Getting Your Child and Yourself Ready for Day One, a work in progress." You can e-mail Laura Whitfield Watts at kinderparent@yahoo.com.
