Yep, you end up slamming your ride into a fire hydrant like Tiger Woods. Maybe the world's greatest golfer was checking his cell phone for a note from ol' girl with all those text messages about them messing around.
But jokes aside. Tiger's infidelity isn't funny. Adultery is serious.
Adultery is sin.
Oh, don't get on me about getting religious on you. Frisky Tiger even talked in terms of purr-sonal, er, "personal sins."
Besides, I'd be the last person to hate on Tiger. Why, he and I go way back to my days in Florida, where we shared the same Orlando-based -- and, by the way, UNC-trained -- orthodontist.
Now, lest I sin, let me be clear and tell you Tiger wasn't a regular at my orthodontist's office. The gr-r-reat golfer just went to see him for a minor orthodontic adjustment. And all I saw was Tiger's picture on the wall. Nevertheless, that was my, ahem, brush -- get it? Teeth? Brush? -- with greatness.
So, no, I'm not hating on Tiger. All I can tell him is what Jesus Christ told the woman caught in adultery: "Go and sin no more."
Listen, two words must dominate this discussion: Steve McNair. (If you don't know, Google the former NFL quarterback killed by his mistress.)
Dare I say we all could figure into an update of the Nike commercial wherein kids declare, "I am Tiger Woods," because when it comes to infidelity -- if not in act, then in thought; if not in our marriages, then on our jobs and in myriad walks of life -- we all fall short.
To some degree, all of us, like Tiger, are cheetahs, I mean, cheaters.
Uh, let me confess I stole that "cheetah" line. Just trying to be honest and not sin.
And let me suggest my playful approach here to the matter of sin is why Tiger did what he did, and, generally speaking, it's why the world is in the shape it's in.
See, in the name of Dorothy Gale from Kansas: Michael and Tiger and sin, oh, my! How come there's not the same outrage over what Tiger did compared to the angst unleashed when Michael Vick got caught up with the dog fighting?
The Nike people kicked Vick to the curb while he did prison time for his drama. But don't count on them ending their relationship with Tiger, because the golfer didn't electrocute pit bills but instead -- ahem! -- only dogged his wife and kids. Which is bad, and we've made a little fuss over it, but everybody understands such cheating is just the American way.
General Motors folks trying to save money ended their relationship with Tiger before this stuff about his infidelity. But they still have to be worried as I don't know what about the image of their Cadillac brand potentially getting messed up since the airbags reportedly didn't deploy when Tiger's Escalade hit that fire hydrant.
One of the new laws in North Carolina comes with a $100 fine and court costs for getting caught text messaging while operating a motor vehicle. It's going to be tough to enforce because it'll be cumbersome to prove, but you'd be wise to heed the rule -- why, you might hit a fire hydrant.
And you never know what might emerge as a result of that, much like the leak that sprung and the ensuing escalation after Tiger tore up his Escalade.
Reach John McCann at jmccann@heraldsun.com or (919) 419-6601.
