But you need some health care right now.
Some of you men out there, you need your prostate glands checked.
You need 'em checked right now!
Not that I have a new health-care plan to give you.
But neither does the president.
However, with that in mind, both Barack Obama and I are health-care evangelists. The difference, though, is the health-care talk I'm preaching ain't in the sweet by and by -- it's ready to be used this weekend.
Of course, neither my smile nor oratorical flow is as good as Obama's. So my convincing powers are limited. But let me put it down like this:
Men of Durham, don't give me any excuses about not having time or being low on funds or whatever. Take your butts to Lincoln Community Health Center in the morning and get screened for prostate cancer -- get screened free for prostate cancer. That's free as in $0, free as in altogether less than the trillion dollars it's supposed to take to overhaul health care in this country.
Lincoln is at 1301 Fayetteville St., and the screenings are from 8 a.m. to noon. Got questions? Call (919) 668-3532.
Oh, you're busy on Saturday, eh?
OK, then: On Sunday when you leave church, take your dressed-up butts to the Duke South Hospital clinic and get your prostate glands checked! Free screenings will take place there that day from noon to 4 p.m. Use the main entrance to the hospital on Trent Drive.
Now, there's nothing controversial about this health-care deal I'm proposing. Some of y'all are concerned about taxpayers funding abortions under Obama's plan. But these here screenings for prostate cancer would do more to bring forth babies, because the prostate gland has to do with, uh, shall we say, male plumbing problems. And when a man's reproductive piping is clogged, then, well, you know.
"All of the sperm go through the prostate," said urologic surgeon Cary Robertson, who's also an associate professor in the urology division at Duke University Medical Center.
Look here, don't you guys get all scared and spooked out about not being able to perform sexually on account of a screening that leads to the removal of your prostate gland. Sure, impotence could be an issue. That's real. But Robertson said medical advances continue to reduce that likelihood.
Besides, you don't need a prostate gland to have sex, Robertson said. And what would you rather do, have sex today and die tomorrow from prostate cancer? Or get your reproductive plumbing in check this weekend and live on into the future to enjoy many more days and nights of sex and whatever else?
According to Marva Mizell Price, a family nurse practitioner at the Duke University School of Nursing, black men in Durham die from prostate cancer three and a half times more often than our white brothers, partly because black men get diagnosed in the latter stage of the disease.
You can do something about that this weekend. Get your prostate gland checked. No charge. Which is a particularly sweet deal if you don't have any health insurance, because you'd be looking at $40 to $60 for the office visit and another $120 for lab charges, Robertson said.
"It's about a $200 service," the urologist said.
Free this weekend, though.
It ain't universal health care, but at the very least a real nice public option.
Reach John McCann at jmccann@heraldsun.com or (919) 419-6601.
