A failure to communicate

Jul. 21, 2013 @ 10:22 PM

The other day, I called a large, multi-national corporation that provides a wide array of communications services to communicate that I no longer required its communication services. For legal reasons, I will not officially name the large, multi-national corporation here except to note that it sounds a lot like the @ symbol.

I wanted to speak to a person at the large, multi-national communications corporation, someone with whom I could, well, communicate.

 Instead:

Thank you for calling our large, multi-national communications company. Please listen carefully since our menu options have recently changed, even though you may think we’ve been saying that for seven years now and we are abusing the word “recently.” However, we do keep changing our menu options to make sure you are paying attention and because we’ve added brunch to the menu.

If you want to speak Spanish, press number 2. If you want to speak French, press trois. For Lithuanian, please dial again.

Please say or press your 16-digit credit card number, your 10-digit phone number, your nine-digit Social Security number, your seven-digit prescription number, your four-digit SAT score  or any number that has a lot of digits in it as long as there are no sixes.

Press 1 if you are calling about adding services to your account and want to spend more money right now. Press 2 if you want to pay your bill right now so we can get your money right now. Press 3 if you want to compliment us right now on our large, multi-national communications services. Press 4 if you want us to repeat these options.

Please hold and a representative will be with you shortly.

On the other hand, we are, as usual, experiencing a large volume of calls and all our representatives are currently busy.  In addition, soon they all will be going out to lunch and ordering a la carte rather than the much quicker lunch special. Just to be clear, that means we will be forced to keep playing our jingle until your fingernails hurt.

If you nevertheless still want to communicate, in the meantime you can go to our web site and avoid the long wait. There, you can add additional services to your account so you can spend more money right now or pay your bill right now so we can get your money right now. 

As an added bonus, if you go to our web site, you also can have an online chat with one of our representatives who may be out to lunch but can still type. Watch out for the olive oil on the keys.

First, type in your 16-digit credit card number, your 10-digit phone number, your nine-digit Social Security number, your seven-digit prescription number,  your four-digit SAT score  or any number that has a lot of digits in it as long as there are no sixes.

Thank you for communicating with us. However, our menu options have recently changed.

Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.