There’s an app for that

Jan. 05, 2014 @ 05:10 PM

Since we don’t like to do anything by ourselves anymore, there are now apps for almost everything.
(By the way, for those of you who are not technologically conversant, apps are short for my friend Marty Appel, who invented the Macintosh and also was an early adopter of the Granny Smith.)
Apps are, actually, little decals you put on your smart phone to make it seem smarter and help it gain admission to more elite private universities even with so-so scores on the verbal section. I have a bunch of them — although, in fact, that is not the correct term for a grouping of apps. Just like there is a “school of fish,” an “exaltation of larks” and a “parliament of owls,” the correct collective term is a “whole lot of apps.”
At first, when my friend Marty brought them over as a housewarming gift, I was opposed in principle to apps, believing that my house was warm enough already. But I have learned, over time, that apps are quite useful and make a particularly good way of spending the day without actually accomplishing anything.
They offer all the information that you don’t actually need and numerous different ways of getting it. They can simplify your life, so that with just a light touch of your fingertip you can smear tomato sauce on your screen while simultaneously avoiding both gainful employment and cleaning the dishes in the sink.
They are simple to operate and come in multiple colors, different fonts and varied trim styles, including the 2.5i with retractable roof rails.
So, yes, I do have many apps, although sometimes I can’t remember where I’ve put them all and have to find my remembering app to help me track them down. The apps I have, by the way, are all free apps, which means 1) I didn’t pay for them, and 2) I got what I paid for.
I have apps that keep track of how many calories I eat and how many miles I run and how many calories I’m eating while I’m running.
I have an app that helps me translate words from the Serbo-Croat into English although I can’t understand the accent.
I have another app that helps me translate words in English back into Serbo-Croat although, frankly, who knows if I’m getting the subjunctive right?
I have an app that allows me to go right to my Facebook page if I had a Facebook page.
I have an app that shows me the shortest distance between two points, which turns out to be a straight line, but now it comes with better graphics.
I have an app that has reviews of the best gluten-free restaurants in Patagonia in case I ever find myself trying to decide where to eat lunch in Patagonia and don’t want to pay for gluten.
And of course, I have an app that looks after all my apps.
Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.