Neil Offen: I am not a candidate … yet
Let me reiterate and make this perfectly clear: I have no intention, currently, at this moment, as of early this morning, right now, of running for president in 2016.
However, as I state in my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” circumstances can change.
For instance, I could get tired of just sitting around the house doing the Sunday crossword puzzle and, instead, want to revamp the Federal Trade Commission. I could find out that Netflix doesn’t have available for streaming “Flying Disc Man From Mars” (1950, starring no one you’ve ever heard of) and decide to focus my energies, instead, on improving our relations with East Timor (starring no one you’ve ever heard of).
In my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” while I state firmly that I am not considering, at this moment, running for president in 2016, I do detail all the initiatives I would take if I weren’t currently preoccupied with the crossword puzzle.
These initiatives include, but in no way are limited to, improving the quality of life of all Americans, ending the political bickering that has disturbed our general bickering and getting the economy back on track and arriving no more than 10 minutes late at the next station.
Further, in my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” I describe in great detail the qualities that would make me a wonderful president if I decided I was running for president which, at the present time, I am definitely not.
Among those qualities are the ability to improve the lives of all Americans, end our political bickering and get the economy back on track, plus an understanding of how to keep score in bowling.
My currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” also provides an in-depth look at the hurdles and obstacles I’ve overcome that would prepare me for running for president in 2016 if I changed my mind and decided to run for president in 2016.
As the book details, I have had to overcome the obstacle of not having been born in a modest log cabin without a separate wine cellar on the other side of the tracks in a bucolic town with an evocative name such as Truth or Consequences, NM. I have had to hurdle growing up without access to spinning classes or yoga mats. My family didn’t have its first smartphone until just five or seven years ago!
All this has prepared me for running for president in 2016 if I decided to change my mind and run for president in 2016.
Which I’m not planning on doing. But just in case, and because I have finished the crossword puzzle -- in ink! -- I have formed an exploratory working group, three political action committees, four foreign policy advisory boards and six economic consultative groups.
But let me reiterate and make this perfectly clear: My new book, “Running for President in 2016,” is currently available.
Neil Offen can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.