Just a few questions

Jan. 19, 2014 @ 06:54 PM

Thank you for your purchase. Please complete the following survey and be entered for a chance to win another survey.

1.      How often do you make a purchase like this?

a.      Once a week.

b.      Once a month.

c.       Never on Sundays.

d.      When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.

2.      What was the main factor in your purchase?

a.      Cost.

b.      Quality.

c.       Flavor.

d.      Absence of cat dander.

3.      Was the availability of convenient parking important to your purchase?

a.      Very much.

b.      Very little.

c.       Not so much.

d.      Not so little.

4.      How were you treated by our sales representative?

a.      I was greeted warmly and offered a glass of hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.

b.      I waited hours for my cinnamon stick.

c.       I was ignored from Jan. 3 through March 6, and then given full-time employment as a potted plant.

d.      We immediately saw eye-to-eye and decided right there on the spot to vacation together in Aruba. Nuptials are planned for April 25: Save the date.

5.      Please rate your overall satisfaction with your purchase.

a.      Highly satisfied.

b.      Moderately satisfied.

c.       Never again will I purchase a package of cocktail weenies imported from Ukraine.

d.      I hope you rot in hell.

6.      Please rate your satisfaction with the service you encountered.

a.      Highly satisfied.

b.      Satisfied.

c.       Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied.

d.      Neither conscious nor unconscious, mostly just in a coma for the duration.

7.      How often do you use the product?

a.      Very often

b.      Often.

c.       Occasionally, but not if I can take a nap instead.

d.      You would have to hold my children for ransom before I would use it again. 

8.      If you could change one thing about your purchase, what would it be?

a.      I would have stayed home and watched re-runs of “Friends,” except for the episode where Ross and Rachel get drunk in Las Vegas.

b.      Instead of the F-150 extended cab diesel hybrid, I would have bought a new food processor.

c.       Although Aruba is quite nice, I think we should have chosen the Cayman Islands for the snorkeling.

9.      Have you visited or contacted us before?

a.      Yes.

b.      No.

c.       Can’t remember.

d.      Need more sleep to help my memory.

10.  Are you

a.      Female.

b.      Male.

c.       Not sure.

d.      Not willing to disclose given the current political climate.

11.  Do you have children 18 or younger living at home?

a.      Yes.

b.      Yes and they still won’t clean their room even though I’ve told them a thousand times.

c.       No, but their room is still dirty, just like they left it.

d.      No, but I’m still paying their cellphone bill.

Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com