Are you dining with us tonight?
Hello, my name is Neil and I’ll be your server this evening unless you want Bruce because he actually knows how to pronounce quinoa.
Although you’re still sitting down and haven’t decided yet if you’re sitting boy-girl, boy-girl or some other more exotic configuration, would you like something to drink to begin the meal? Our drink menu includes a number of drinks that you’ve never heard of but that have ingredients you’ve also never heard of. Which is, of course, what makes them so expensive.
We have a number of specials tonight and I will now recite them all to you so quickly that you will undoubtedly ask me to repeat them at least two or three times and then probably still forget most of them as soon as I move away and ignore your frantic waving. Please don’t stop me in the middle of my list because then I’ll have to go back to the beginning and start again, and who wants that?
Our soup special is a traditional gingered cream of squid with a dollop of shiitake mushroom extract. Traditionally, we use two iis in shiitake but our mushroom chef is considering using three iiis tonight for the extra flavor.
The squid is locally sourced, which wasn’t easy considering we are 120 miles from the coast, but we drove there in the middle of the night, only using cage-free roads. The squid also was fished humanely, mainly because it got tangled in somebody’s net. We apologize that apparently one tentacle is now somewhat shorter than the others.
Tonight’s salad has been grown by local farmers who have never used chemically enhanced hand sanitizers. It includes baby bok choy, several adult boks to supervise, heirloom tomatoes, grown from organic looms, and caramelized caramels that have been taken out of their boxes and left to dry in the sun without sunblock.
The special entree tonight is free-range pork belly, which is a boneless cut of fatty meat which five years ago you wouldn’t have touched with a 10-foot pole but now you can’t touch without a $20 bill. The pork belly is fennel-glazed, whipped to a froth, frothed to a whip, steamed, braised, sautéed and roasted for weeks on end over at Pig Sty Farm just down the road. The pork belly then was charred by two firemen who have humanely contained three wildfires in remote places in the state of Utah. Their credentials are available.
The pork belly is served over a pilaf of farro, a grain that no one had heard of three months ago, and accompanied by a relish made from peach compote and sea bass intestines that have been mixed with salted peanuts only harvested after the seventh inning.
For dessert, our pastry chef has concocted a special panna cotta sorbet tiramisu dulce de leche because we’ve run out of English words on the menu.
Are you ready to order or would you like a moment to make reservations elsewhere?
Neil Offen can be reached at the email@example.com.