Offen: A one-way conversation

Apr. 27, 2014 @ 11:27 AM

In three-quarters of a mile, take the ramp heading west, if you can figure out which direction west is. But of course, if you could, you wouldn’t need a GPS in the first place, would you?

In 1,000 feet — that’s about 330 yards give or take, if you prefer smaller numbers or have irregular feet — move over into the right lane just past that gigantic semi tractor-trailer that’s bearing down on you and doesn’t look like it’s going to slow down at all.
Turn right in 300 yards as soon as you catch your breath again and after the truck stops honking.
Then again, if you’re going to turn right in 300 yards, why are you going so fast now? Aren’t you going to have to jam on the brakes too quickly? And you know you haven’t had the brakes checked since 2011.
No, not that ramp! The other one!
OK, let’s recalculate.
If no one is looking, put the car in reverse and go back to that first ramp. At the end of the ramp, make a right turn at Barnes Avenue. Yes, this is Barnes Avenue, even if it doesn’t really look like Barnes Avenue and you can’t see the sign for Barnes Avenue that’s hanging from the cable that’s holding the lights and is shaking in the wind.
Remain on Barnes Avenue for 4.75 miles or until you lose concentration and miss the curve where it heads off and you end up on Washington Street.
Wait a minute — what are you doing? You can’t make a left onto Longfellow. Who told you to go left there? Don’t listen to her — she’s never been able to read a map.
When you reach the roundabout, take the third exit onto Stillwell Road and not the fourth exit onto Cardihew Parkway Extension. If you take the fourth exit onto Cardihew Parkway Extension, I will no longer be responsible.
In two miles or 75 Euros, whichever comes first, take the left fork in the road and continue straight until you find the spoon and knife. Go past a small antique store that is selling small antiques along with artisanal comforters and organic micro beers. Stop in and pick up a comforter with a plaid pattern along with two small bottles of a rich lager and a creamy stout.
While you’re there, ask for directions.
Leave the parking lot by the exit not the entrance. When you realize you’re heading out the entrance, turn around and go back to the store to pick up several free-range bars of hand-milled oatmeal soap with lavender extract.
Drive 93 miles on State Road 63294 which will change its name four times over the next 93 miles but will still be State Road 63294 even if you are in a different state.
In 100 yards, you will arrive at your destination, on the right. Or you will be on the outskirts of Lima, Peru. It’s pretty much up to you. 
Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.