RX: Read the fine print

Oct. 27, 2013 @ 04:10 PM

Potential side effects of this medication:

Medications like this may increase the risk of watching mindless reality television shows or excessive texting in children, teenagers, young adults, older adults, really old adults or insurance salesmen.

Research has shown that excessive texting can lead to not paying attention to a lot of research and to more excessive texting. On the other hand, not texting enough could make you a social outcast with nothing to do on the weekend except watch mindless reality television shows. Talk with your doctor to make sure the benefits of this medication outweigh the risks. If you can’t get an appointment until the end of March, send him a text.  

Side effects that may occur while taking this medication include, but are not limited to, nor have ever met totally by chance while on a plane trip to Indianapolis, dry mouth or wet mouth. Do not stop taking this medicine if you feel your mouth somehow just doesn’t feel right. It might be a flossing issue.

Other side effects may include dizziness, headache, lack of dizziness and lack of headache. Also, extreme distaste for trombones, an inability to finish Dostoyevsky’s “Crime and Punishment” as well as a middle-of-the-night craving for Kit-Kat bars. Check with your chocolate provider or your doctor as soon as possible if you have worsening feelings of self-esteem and are starting to develop a crush on your podiatrist.

While taking this medicine, you also could develop significant feelings of irritability, and begin ripping paper towels to shreds whenever someone points out that the Pittsburgh Pirates are not in the World Series. But few may notice this if you’ve always been pretty irritable to begin with and have generally been considered an absolute pain and the last person anyone would want to share a taxi with.

An allergic reaction to this medicine is unlikely, but if it occurs, don’t say we haven’t warned you. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include itching, rash, swelling and wishing you were a rabbi. Also trouble making spinach lasagna.

After you start taking this medication, several weeks may pass before you feel the full benefit and start seeing hair on the bottom of your feet. However, if your symptoms do not improve after taking this medication for four weeks, it may be that there is something wrong with your symptoms. Get them checked out.

If any of these symptoms do, however, persist for more than nine months, make an appointment with a specialist as long as it’s somebody in your network. That could be either CBS or NBC, but really try to avoid Fox. 

Before you have any medical or dental treatments, emergency care, surgery or eat at a kosher fusion restaurant, tell the doctor, dentist or waiter that you are using this medicine. You may get a discount or at least get a second entrée for half the price. 

Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com