Refinancing? Sign right here
After five months, three credit reports, two appraisals, six faxes, four secret handshakes, 18 emails, one organ transplant, 11 telephone calls and the covert transfer of 23 secret documents by drones, the refinancing is done.
The refinancing procedure, like most procedures, is not covered if it’s out of network. It’s also not covered until we can figure out why the adjusted origination charges have to have their own flood certification and if escrow really is a word.
Also, it’s not a done deal until every last form is signed and dated. And amortized, but only during daylight savings time.
Over the last few years, in an attempt to rectify the structural problems that were revealed by the mortgage crisis — such as the use of the designated hitter in the American League — officials have instituted a number of steps designed to create a refinancing crisis.
The idea is to take our minds off other crises. It’s worked pretty well.
So if you want to take advantage of the absolutely lowest mortgage rates in history, at least until Wednesday when they go lower, you’re required to sign a lot more documents and forms than ever before.
You sign here. And here. And over there. And there, too. You sign so many forms your signature looks something like this: //
And yet there are still a few more documents to sign. They include:
— The truth in lending disclosure form, which specifies that if we haven’t told the truth about how much we’ve let the backyard go to seed, the lender can require us to rake all the leaves in the front.
— The truth in vending disclosure form, which asks if either of us have ever gotten a hand stuck in a vending machine out of frustration while trying to grab the tiny bag of $1.25 potato chips when it gets stuck against the glass and doesn’t come all the way down.
— The truth in bending disclosure form, which reminds you that it gets harder and harder to pick up any refinancing form if it falls to the ground without hurting your lower back.
— The truth in sending disclosure form, which reminds you that if you want to get holiday refinancing forms to people before Dec. 25, it’s a good idea not to wait until Dec. 24 to send them.
— The truth in mending disclosure form, which requires you not to wear socks with holes in them at the heel if you intend to go hiking.
— The disclosure of any potential bunions form (but only if you have skipped the truth in mending form).
— And finally, you have to sign a document that acknowledges that we have no idea what we are signing but that if we ever learn, it will still cost us a maximum of 8.2 percent over the life of the loan or until Thursday, whichever comes first.
Neil Offen can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or by telephone at 919-419-6646.