Offen: At the beep, please go mind your own business

Jan. 27, 2013 @ 08:34 PM

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen.  I can’t take your call right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number and the time of your call and why you’re calling at 3 in the morning and promise to never do it again, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m napping since some jerk called me and woke me up at 3 in the morning last night. But if you leave your name and number and the time of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as I am coherent.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because the last three calls I actually answered were from people who wanted me to contribute to a charity I’ve never heard of.  If you’ll leave your name and number and the time of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as I’ve had time to Google the Bunion Association of America.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’ve decided that I definitely do not want another credit card, even with a 0 percent APR until next June,  or another subscription to Bunion Magazine.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because the last time you called, you spoke so quickly and mumbled so much I couldn’t understand what you were saying and whether you were telling me my car was on fire or I had won a free cruise on the Love Boat (taxes and beverages not included).

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m vacationing in Paris and eating baguette after baguette, some of them smeared with a really good brie, and you’re not. Please leave a message only if you think you can compare to that.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I’m in the shower and I know that you waited to call for precisely that moment when I got in the shower and I’m not going to let you have the satisfaction of knowing that I’m standing here answering the phone while dripping all over the bed and the pile of newspapers right next to it.

Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now because I already know that I have an appointment with my dentist at 3 p.m., March 3, and this is the fourth time you are reminding me about that and telling me to floss more. I’m flossing, I’m flossing.

Hello, you’re reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. Leave a message. Or not.

Neil Offen can be reached at noffen@heraldsun.com or by telephone at 919-419-6646.