Neil Offen: Your daily business report

Mar. 02, 2014 @ 06:11 PM

The stock market staged an impressive comeback yesterday, bouncing back from the impressive downturn it took the day before.

At the close of trading, the S&P 500 had added two letters, making it the S&A&P, and offering buy-one, get-one free deals on creamed canned corn. The index got a boost from reports that reports were on the upswing and that the Federal Reserve was predicting that the labor market would be open late tonight so you can stop there on your way home.
In heavy trading and low humidity, the index neared an all-time high of five letters before it faded in an afternoon sell-off and decided to take a nap instead.
The uptick in the market was far preferable than a downtick because nobody actually knows what a downtick is and whether there’s a vaccine for it, said Elmo Ponsendomenach, a senior economic analytics technical strategist and woodworker at the firm of Economic Analytics Technical Strategy and High-End Kitchen Remodeling.
Some analysts wondered whether the uptick was sustainable and whether it also could be called a surge or maybe even a groundswell. Most analysts concurred nevertheless that no matter where it came from, it was swell.
The timing of the rise could help the market extend its gains, particularly if the weather gets warmer and no one wants to stay inside anymore and read the stock ticker. Forecasters warned, though, that those with seasonal allergies were more likely to remain inside while sneezing all over their bonds and driving up the price of Kleenex.
In addition to the S&P, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, also known as the DJIA, or Bob, rose 74.75 points, or .064 percent with an on-base slugging percentage of 2.34. The Dow is still 1.08 points below Celsius, even if you don’t figure in the wind-chill factor.
The NASDAQ composite climbed 19.47 points, which gave it nearly 20 points more than it had the day before.
Leading the S&P 500 was Erks, the generic pharmaceutical maker which surged 11.78 points on news of China’s discovery of a generic mine in the western province of Begone. China is the world’s largest producer of generics, controlling three quarters of the generic reserve, although Brazil has begun manufacturing generic generics. 
Erks consolidated its gains despite a fourth-quarter earnings report that showed it hadn’t made any money since 1997. But that beat analysts’ expectations that the giant conglomerate might have to go back to 1991 before it could find a dollar.
The department store chain T.J. Quarter, after posting its largest loss since it misplaced its wallet a year earlier, nevertheless jumped 6.78 percent. In testimony before a Senate Banking Committee, Fed Chair Janet Yellen said, “What?”
Yellen added that the turnaround in the market reflected growing optimism that consumer confidence was rising and that investors were recovering from watching all four hours of the Oscars telecast.  
Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.