Columnist: Neil Offen

Oct. 06, 2013 @ 07:07 PM

We’ve come to an impasse

Let me be clear about this: We will not re-open this column until the newspaper agrees to our demands that it completely agrees to our demands.


Sep. 29, 2013 @ 12:50 PM

All systems are go(ing)

As you probably know by now, we have installed a new operating system for this column. This is our first new operating system in several years and we felt it was needed even though the old operating system worked perfectly well and people had actually learned how to operate it.    

Our new operating system — Operating For Friends Even Now, or OFFEN — offers an all-new design and all-new features, none of which you will be able to easily understand. Which is, after all, the whole point of a new operating system, isn’t it?


Sep. 22, 2013 @ 12:06 PM

A traveling disaster

I’m starting to think that when I travel the last person I should travel with is me.


Sep. 15, 2013 @ 06:19 PM

Are you dining with us tonight?

Hello, my name is Neil and I’ll be your server this evening unless you want Bruce because he actually knows how to pronounce quinoa.


Sep. 08, 2013 @ 03:37 PM

Paying bills the old-fashioned way

Every bill I receive pleads with me, on several sheets of paper, to go paperless. The bills implore me, they beseech me, they promise me 50 percent off on a second entrée of equal or lesser value if I would just pay my bills online.


Sep. 01, 2013 @ 09:07 AM

I’m really sorry (that I got caught)

I’d like to apologize for my actions even though it really wasn’t my fault. What I did was a mistake even though it really wasn’t my responsibility. I have no one to blame but myself, although I would like to blame a number of others.


Aug. 24, 2013 @ 10:34 PM

The national pastime, carefully explained

I speak baseball. It’s much better than my French.

 

Aug. 18, 2013 @ 10:13 AM

Hello, new freshman class

Welcome, new undergraduates.

 

Aug. 11, 2013 @ 04:09 PM

When a house isn’t a home

There are several things you expect from a house — that it be warm and comfortable, inviting and welcoming, and that it have a roof.


Aug. 04, 2013 @ 03:08 PM

Before you leave on vacation…

It’s summertime, vacation time. But before you can take a vacation and luxuriate in the fact that you’re on vacation and don’t have to plan taking a vacation, there are nine things you need to do.


Jul. 28, 2013 @ 02:26 PM

How to have an intelligent conversation

Someone’s stuck inside my phone, and I can’t get her out, even if I’m offering mint chocolate chip ice cream.


Jul. 21, 2013 @ 10:22 PM

A failure to communicate

The other day, I called a large, multi-national corporation that provides a wide array of communications services to communicate that I no longer required its communication services. For legal reasons, I will not officially name the large, multi-national corporation here except to note that it sounds a lot like the @ symbol.


Jul. 14, 2013 @ 02:54 PM

Not a joke this time

Have you heard this one? A psychiatrist and a social worker, an IT guy, a doctoral student and a scientist all walk into a house.


Jul. 07, 2013 @ 11:38 PM

No land in sight

Even though I don’t make my own cheese, feed my own chickens or know a craft beer from Kraft macaroni, I consider myself, yes, sort of a hipster. Somebody on the cutting edge, highly attuned, running with the flow, flowing with the run, dancing to the beat, as long as it’s slow and I’m wearing those really comfortable orthotics.


Jul. 07, 2013 @ 06:30 PM

No land in sight

Even though I don’t make my own cheese, feed my own chickens or know a craft beer from Kraft macaroni, I consider myself, yes, sort of a hipster. Somebody on the cutting edge, highly attuned, running with the flow, flowing with the run, dancing to the beat, as long as it’s slow and I’m wearing those really comfortable orthotics.