My new homeowner’s property insurance policy, No. 684CBGB, is now in place because the premium on the previous homeowner’s insurance policy, No. 732ACDC, was about to go from ridiculous to outrageous.
By the size of the rings around its trunk, I estimated the granola bar as dating from the late 18th century. The ingredients, though, were written in olde English on the wrapper, so it may have been older. Also Englisher.
Some last-minute tips on how to fill out your Form 1040. Note: these instructions are also useful for Form 8940, Form 1776, Form 1941-1945, WW II, and Schedules 8812, 9692, 89-83 (three overtimes), A, C, E, F, J and SE as well as Schedules SE, J, F, E, C and A, if you’re reading right to left.
It’s not that I’m really worried about this pain I’ve been feeling in my right hip. It’s that I’m absolutely certain it’s the Ebola virus.
I felt the same way when I had that sort of ache in my left knee. I was pretty sure it was almost-always-fatal dengue fever. Though there was a chance it was a knee-based cardiac arrhythmia.
When I had that thing on my left big toe there was no question, at least to me, that it was not, in fact, a callus. It was the plague, although I wasn’t sure exactly which plague it might have been. Maybe locusts.
Never keep sour cream in your refrigerator more than six years. It’s a lesson to live by, along with avoiding ground wars in Asia.
This day in (my) history —
1946: I am born, which makes me so old I can remember when land lines were just lines and only had a choice of three two digits.
I’ve found another thing I can’t fix: a smoke alarm.
I hadn’t intended to try to fix it. I didn’t know that smoke alarms ever needed fixing. I figured that they sort of fixed themselves, like cats.
After a series of late-night negotiations, I am proud to announce that my wife and I have solved our fiscal-cliff-debt-ceiling-budget-deficit-sequester crisis and also improved our score on yesterday’s Sudoku.
More frequently asked - but rarely responded to - questions about this column:
How do you start the column?
Generally, at the beginning. Sometimes, we start in the middle, but only when we’re sure there’s sufficient fuel in the tank before turning the ignition. A self-starter, however, is always useful because that would let me stay in bed a little longer on cold mornings. Remember if you’re not a self-starter to get a battery-powered one and wind it up and let it write a few paragraphs before stepping in when it’s time for the punch line and for taking all the credit.
Now that you’ve signed in and finally remembered your password, and recalled that the letter p in the middle of your password is actually supposed to be a capital P, and that you used a # rather than a & at the end of the password, please answer the following security questions to access your account:
I give this restaurant 3.87 stars.
We began at the bar — a long piece of horizontal wood that resembles a bar — with a cocktail composed of Belarussian vodka, lemongrass and old bits of 45 vinyl records, with a hint of cardamom. At least we think it was cardamom since we have no idea what cardamom is.
Hello, you’ve reached the voice mail of Neil Offen. I can’t take your call right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number and the time of your call and why you’re calling at 3 in the morning and promise to never do it again, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
My fellow Americans,
As I inaugurate a new term of humorous, intermittently witty, excellently spelled, frequently perceptive and occasionally typographically correct columns, I want to share with you some of my plans for the next four years.
You’ve made them already, those little promises to yourself that after all these years of being you, you’re going to be somebody else during 2013. But how are you actually going to keep those New Year’s resolutions?
I always said I would never get any complicated, cutting-edge, intricate, high-flying new technological gimmick. And then I got a microwave.