Columnist: Neil Offen

Feb. 09, 2014 @ 03:24 PM

Neil Offen: Miles to go before I fly

I have a lot of miles on me, and that’s not even taking into account how the knees are pretty much shot and the back regularly gets stiff after bowling.  Actually, it gets stiff before bowling, too.

Anyway, what I mean is I have platinum miles on me, diamond miles, gold miles and even some rollover medallion qualification miles, although I’m not sure if that’s longer or shorter than a kilometer.


Feb. 02, 2014 @ 05:41 PM

You can bet on it

OK, let me tell you who’s going to win the Super Bowl.

I’m able to do this because I have spent a great deal of time analyzing the two teams, measuring their run-to-pass ratio, checking out their blocking schemes and finding out if anyone on the defense is nicknamed Elmer.
The key to the game will be which team moves out of the 3-4 defense and into the 4-3 and thus can complete the subtraction without going into the minus numbers and screwing up the calculators on their phones. That team will then have more defenders in the box, fewer people at the movies for the 7 o’clock show and can be home before dinner.


Jan. 26, 2014 @ 04:46 PM

Neil Offen: Have an opinion?

Please join the conversation by adding your comments and telling us what you really think about what you just read. While sharing your thoughts, please remember to refrain from intelligent, thoughtful, reasoned discourse and revel in the fact that you are anonymous and no one will ever figure out who you are unless you use your real initials and leave your real zip code.  


Jan. 19, 2014 @ 06:54 PM

Just a few questions

Thank you for your purchase. Please complete the following survey and be entered for a chance to win another survey.

 

Jan. 13, 2014 @ 11:36 AM

And now for some breaking news

My wife, participating in a long-standing family tradition, recently broke her wrist ice skating. Which leads, of course, to the inevitable and understandable question, what kind of long-standing family tradition includes fractures? Aren’t most long-standing family traditions just supposed to include cuts, bruises, root canals or the occasional trip to the emergency room?


Jan. 05, 2014 @ 05:10 PM

There’s an app for that

Since we don’t like to do anything by ourselves anymore, there are now apps for almost everything.
(By the way, for those of you who are not technologically conversant, apps are short for my friend Marty Appel, who invented the Macintosh and also was an early adopter of the Granny Smith.)


Dec. 29, 2013 @ 02:49 PM

For 2014, it’s to do or not to do

Number 1 on my to-do list for the new year is to stop making to-do lists.

The problem with my to-do lists has been that I generally put things on them that I am very unlikely, in point of fact, to actually do. These items require effort and follow-through and occasionally looking at the list to remember what is on them.


Dec. 22, 2013 @ 11:02 AM

The night before the night before

‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas,

when all through the house,
not a vector was stirring, not even the optical mouse.
The stockings were hung by the Kindle Fire with care
in case our new Nooks really needed repair.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of Xboxes danced in their heads.

 

Dec. 15, 2013 @ 08:17 PM

Arguably, my top 10 performances

It’s Top 10 season. Since I only saw three movies during the course of the year, and two of them were “Casablanca” and the third I can’t remember but I don’t think was “Casablanca,” here are my Top 10 performances of the year.


Dec. 08, 2013 @ 03:10 PM

Just your traditional holiday disaster

At the traditional Thanksgiving Day meal at my house, also known as the traditional Thanksgiving Day disaster, there is always something new you can learn.

One year, I learned that there are more plastic bags inside the turkey than you really think there are. Or should be.


Dec. 01, 2013 @ 01:52 PM

A visit to the ER

I went to the emergency room the other week. I also went to the emergency room the other week.

That’s right, I went to the emergency room twice in the past couple of weeks. It’s becoming a habit, although, to be honest, I’d prefer crocheting.


Nov. 24, 2013 @ 10:14 AM

For the perfect holiday meal

Here they are, the 11 easy steps to the No. 1 most popular recipe for the four days of Thanksgiving and the year’s worth of recriminations afterward.


Nov. 17, 2013 @ 05:43 PM

A flight to nowhere

I recently wrote a letter of complaint to an airline whose name I won’t mention although it rhymes with helta. Below is the transcript of my correspondence.

Dear Airline:
I am writing, of course, to complain about my recent flight.


Nov. 10, 2013 @ 08:52 PM

Neil Offen: Leaf it to me

This is what I don’t understand. How come a week ago I spent all day carefully blowing, raking, lugging and artistically arranging the leaves on my front lawn and now I have to do it all over again?


Nov. 03, 2013 @ 04:23 PM

There’s no way around this

There’s no round-about way of saying this: I hate roundabouts. I hate them even when they use aliases and are called traffic circles.
Yes, I know that the National Bureau of Annoying Street Plans has found that installing roundabouts at intersections results in 4.3 percent fewer accidents than caused by movie theater popcorn machines. And yes, I know that roundabouts are designed to speed up traffic, reduce gas consumption, alleviate congestion and solve the debt crisis.