Columnist: Neil Offen

Jul. 27, 2014 @ 04:42 PM

Neil Offen: Weather or not

I turned on the television to get the weather. Sure, I could have looked out the window, I could have opened the door, but I wanted to have supporting evidence in case I was cross-examined.

 

Jul. 20, 2014 @ 04:17 PM

Neil Offen: Where does it hurt? Everywhere

Let’s see, here’s the current list: my right foot, my left hip, the middle of my central back, my left eye, my left wrist, my other wrist. Yes, those are the parts of my body that currently aren't quite working at optimal efficiency.


Jul. 13, 2014 @ 01:10 PM

Offen: At the tone, please leave

You’ve reached Neil’s phone but I can’t take your call right now because right now I’m not sure exactly where I left my phone although it might still be in the car or perhaps in the jeans I was wearing Tuesday evening. In any case, at the tone, please leave a message.

 

Jul. 06, 2014 @ 04:45 PM

Neil Offen: Alone with my lawn

It’s probably going to rain today. I just watered my lawn.

Not that you could tell, of course.


Jun. 29, 2014 @ 07:25 PM

Offen: The benefit of an explanation

This is not a bill. This is also not an airplane or a cupcake.
This is an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your health insurance company (HIC) concerning the services that were provided by your health care provider (YHCP) on or about two weeks ago from last Thursday (LTH) at about 3:30 p.m. or maybe a little later if it’s that important to you.


Jun. 22, 2014 @ 05:53 PM

Offen: Dreaming of sleeping

There are, of course, two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don’t. 


Jun. 16, 2014 @ 11:09 AM

Offen: Clear sailing

It was a beautiful, warm, gloriously sunny late spring day. 


Jun. 08, 2014 @ 05:06 PM

Neil Offen: 44 years, and counting

This past Thursday, my wife and I celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary, which is, technically, impossible, since I’m pretty sure I’m only about 43 years old.


Jun. 01, 2014 @ 07:34 PM

Neil Offen: How to remember to remember

As she leaves for work every morning, my wife recites a mnemonic device that helps remind her that she is leaving for work.


May. 25, 2014 @ 04:37 PM

Neil Offen: I am not a candidate … yet

Let me reiterate and make this perfectly clear: I have no intention, currently, at this moment, as of early this morning, right now, of running for president in 2016.

However, as I state in my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” circumstances can change.


May. 18, 2014 @ 06:43 PM

Neil Offen: The tiring act of retiring

A little more than a year ago, I packed up all my cares and woes, along with my curated collection of old take-out menus from restaurants that no longer existed, emptied my desk, refused to sharpen any more pencils, left my office and retired from my job.


May. 11, 2014 @ 04:38 PM

Offen: Running for my life

First, the good news. The other weekend, I ran a 5K race and I did not end up in the emergency room. In fact, I finished second in my age group.
The bad news is that I’m not sure there were more than two people in my age group.
And to make it worse, the other guy in my age group just managed to edge me out by a hair — or more precisely, by 17 minutes.


May. 04, 2014 @ 11:21 AM

Offen: My commencement address

Dear soon-to-be college graduates,

Thank you for selecting me as your commencement speaker this year once you found out that you couldn’t get Miley Cyrus.
I know you have asked me here because you believed I could offer all of you some pertinent advice about life, since I have been living for some time.


Apr. 27, 2014 @ 11:27 AM

Offen: A one-way conversation

In three-quarters of a mile, take the ramp heading west, if you can figure out which direction west is. But of course, if you could, you wouldn’t need a GPS in the first place, would you?

In 1,000 feet — that’s about 330 yards give or take, if you prefer smaller numbers or have irregular feet — move over into the right lane just past that gigantic semi tractor-trailer that’s bearing down on you and doesn’t look like it’s going to slow down at all.


Apr. 20, 2014 @ 12:26 PM

Neil Offen: Will you be drinking tonight?

On our wine list this evening, you’ll find several stains and a few grease marks, along with:

A 2007 Slovakian gamay or gamay not, with hints of goat cheese and leftover macaroni, and a finish full of crabapple and a satisfying aroma of drying cement. Great paired with the last Peppermint Pattie in the bag.