Columnist: Neil Offen

Nov. 23, 2014 @ 02:41 PM

Neil Offen: A feast to remember

Last year, the night before Thanksgiving, our oven exploded. That was not in the recipe.

This year, as preparation for the big day, I’ve developed a terrible November cold which has exploded all over my nose and lungs. This, too, was not in the recipe we saw in “Joy of Cooking” nor did we see it in “Joy of Coughing.”


Nov. 16, 2014 @ 05:24 PM

Offen: I did it by myself. Unfortunately

Do it yourself is fine unless I’m doing it myself. Yourself is probably much better.

 

Nov. 09, 2014 @ 06:40 PM

Offen: Another medical advancement

Welcome to your new electronic health records portal, ushering in a new generation of high-tech medicinal confusion. Here you will have immediate access to all the frustration and time-wasting that in the past you could only get by going directly to the doctor’s office.

 

Nov. 02, 2014 @ 04:23 PM

Offen: Let the record show

It’s time we stand by our records, so let the record show that my opponent has pulled the wings off insects.

 

Oct. 26, 2014 @ 05:08 PM

Offen: Dance to the music

Not too long ago, at a celebratory event, I found myself dancing with my young adult daughter. Afterward, as I was receiving oxygen, my daughter said she wanted to tell me something.

 

Oct. 19, 2014 @ 06:57 PM

Neil Offen: Listening to the Supremes

In a stunning decision that sent lawyers on both sides running to their checkbooks to see how much more they could charge for their advice, the U.S. Supreme Court today refused to issue an injunction against any further injunctions.


Oct. 12, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Offen: Putting down my foot

All I wanted, really, was to buy a new pair of sneakers. Of course, nobody sells sneakers anymore.


Oct. 05, 2014 @ 06:15 PM

Neil Offen: Getting up to date

This is update 8.02.4/6, designed to replace update 8.02.4/5, which replaced 8.02.4/4, which was supposed to greatly enhance your reading experience but instead locked your newspaper onto the paid obituary page.


Sep. 28, 2014 @ 08:24 AM

Offen: Planning my financial planning

I met with my financial adviser the other day, despite the fact that I don’t have many financials to advise and they are notoriously reluctant to listen when you offer them any suggestions. 

 

Sep. 21, 2014 @ 04:36 PM

Offen: Recognition where it’s due

Without the help of  all those working behind the scenes and several who worked in front of the scenes and those few who dared to work on the sides of the scenes, this column would not have been possible. Of course, then again, it might have been better.

 

Sep. 14, 2014 @ 06:25 PM

Neil Offen: Making a clean sweep

The other day, when I discovered that we have, in our house, 16 flower vases although I am allergic to flowers, I realized it was time to de-clutter.


Sep. 06, 2014 @ 01:16 AM

Neil Offen: Hair today, maybe gone tomorrow

If you haven’t much else to do and Google “how to grow a beard,” you will almost immediately find links to “3 Ways to Grow a Beard” and “17 Ways to Grow and Keep Facial Hair.” Not to mention “22 Steps to Growing a Beard (with pictures).”


Aug. 31, 2014 @ 06:31 PM

Neil Offen: Go take a hike

My idea of high technology, generally speaking, is a toaster. As everyone knows, it’s an inscrutably complex mechanism that requires pin-point adjustment and careful programming of that little dial on the bottom that determines how much you will burn the toast. Not to mention you also have to decide on and implement which is the correct side to use when you’re only toasting one slice.


Aug. 24, 2014 @ 10:26 PM

Neil Offen: Welcome back, deciphered

Welcome back, students. We are thrilled that you have returned for the new semester.

Translation: Couldn’t you have just waited another couple of weeks so that the rest of us could continue to find a parking space downtown?


Aug. 17, 2014 @ 03:36 PM

Offen: I prefer the great indoors

When asked, several years ago, if he had ever gone camping, my friend Frank responded, with a look of total bemused amazement on his face, “You mean, like on the ground?”