Columnist: Neil Offen

May. 17, 2015 @ 03:22 PM

Neil Offen: The walk of life or, mettle tested

At 7:30 a.m. precisely, my daughter Nora and I began The Great Saunter, the 32-mile circumnavigation of the island of Manhattan. Why did we do it? Well, of course — because it was there.


May. 10, 2015 @ 03:04 PM

Neil Offen: And let us commence ...

Please stop texting. Thank you, and let me now be among the first to congratulate you for the tremendous accomplishment of completing your college education and for the even greater accomplishment of not staring at your phone while I offer your commencement address.


May. 03, 2015 @ 03:57 PM

Neil Offen: How my garden grows

In 1974, after four months of watering, 13 pounds of compost and regularly scheduled pitiful pleading, I began my vegetable gardening career by growing the smallest recorded radish in the western hemisphere.


Apr. 26, 2015 @ 03:56 PM

Neil Offen: Striding right into trouble

My final preparations for The Great Saunter, my epic 32-mile walk around Manhattan island, which I agreed to do because I actually thought I was agreeing to The Great Flaunter, an event in which I could flaunt my knowledge of old Alfred Hitchcock movies:


Apr. 19, 2015 @ 03:44 PM

Neil Offen: My hat’s in the ring

After close consultation with my family, my advisers and the magic eight-ball, I have decided to place my hat in the ring for the presidency of the United States.


Apr. 12, 2015 @ 02:23 PM

Neil Offen: Taxed to the limit

Begin with Line 7 (As everyone knows, Lines 1 through 6 are only for chumps) — Enter wages, salaries, tips, coins found in bottom of vending machines and the $5.02 check you just got for being a member of a class action lawsuit that you had no idea you were a member of. Attach Forms W2, 1099, 1099 E, 1099 R and W3 EZ, which isn’t.


Apr. 05, 2015 @ 02:30 PM

Neil Offen: Booted out, 1965-2015

My Frye boots, big, bulky and battered, the oldest living household survivor of the 1960s, passed away peacefully April 2, 2015 after a long period of increasing obsolescence and occasional embarrassment when I tried to put them on.


Mar. 29, 2015 @ 03:16 PM

Neil Offen: A whirl around the financial world

The Neil Offen Column yesterday posted strong first quarter results that breezed past Wall Street’s extremely low expectations and even surprised some family members who haven’t laughed in months. In a conference call with analysts, Neil Offen Column CEO Neil Offen, citing those results, told Wall Street, “nana nana boo boo and so’s your old man.”


Mar. 22, 2015 @ 03:13 PM

Neil Offen: A walk on the wild side

An update on my training progress for The Great Saunter, a 32-mile, 12-hour walk around the perimeter of Manhattan island that I have registered for while under the influence of extreme stupidity. (I also blame my 25-year-old daughter, who has 25-year-old legs and feet, and who said, during a conversation, “We can do this.” I think she was talking to her legs and feet.)


Mar. 15, 2015 @ 03:05 PM

Neil Offen: Jump right into the pool

Over the next few weeks, people who have absolutely no idea what a bracket is and whether you need a Phillips screwdriver to attach one, will fill out the names of dozens of men’s college basketball teams without having a clue as to what they are doing or why they are doing it.


Mar. 08, 2015 @ 05:43 PM

Neil Offen: The book on booking a flight

Please key in the airport from which you want to depart. If you don’t know or can’t figure out the code letters for the airport, we will assign you three letters at random and you may have to leave from Bogota, Columbia.


Mar. 01, 2015 @ 03:03 PM

Neil Offen: Off to a running head start

Although I am not, at this time, a candidate for president in 2016, I have decided to create an exploratory committee that will explore ways I can avoid saying I am a candidate for president in 2016.


Feb. 22, 2015 @ 03:07 PM

Neil Offen: Turning the page on the Internet (sort of)

A few days ago, just as I was all geared up to waste a few hours on mindless digital drivel, my Internet went down.


Feb. 15, 2015 @ 12:03 PM

Neil Offen: A foodie’s delectable dictionary

Even though I am a card-carrying “foodie” who was eating food and carrying cards before it became cool, there are a number of foods and dishes that I never heard of before about March 23, 2008. Fortunately, I have done my research, which I am more than willing to share.


Feb. 08, 2015 @ 03:25 PM

Neil Offen: The tale of the tapes

Some years ago, just in time for them to become useless, I bought a number of audio cassette music tapes. It was part of my long-standing tradition of hopping on board a new technological trend at the precise moment the trend was ending.