At 7:30 a.m. precisely, my daughter Nora and I began The Great Saunter, the 32-mile circumnavigation of the island of Manhattan. Why did we do it? Well, of course — because it was there.
Please stop texting. Thank you, and let me now be among the first to congratulate you for the tremendous accomplishment of completing your college education and for the even greater accomplishment of not staring at your phone while I offer your commencement address.
In 1974, after four months of watering, 13 pounds of compost and regularly scheduled pitiful pleading, I began my vegetable gardening career by growing the smallest recorded radish in the western hemisphere.
My final preparations for The Great Saunter, my epic 32-mile walk around Manhattan island, which I agreed to do because I actually thought I was agreeing to The Great Flaunter, an event in which I could flaunt my knowledge of old Alfred Hitchcock movies:
After close consultation with my family, my advisers and the magic eight-ball, I have decided to place my hat in the ring for the presidency of the United States.
Begin with Line 7 (As everyone knows, Lines 1 through 6 are only for chumps) — Enter wages, salaries, tips, coins found in bottom of vending machines and the $5.02 check you just got for being a member of a class action lawsuit that you had no idea you were a member of. Attach Forms W2, 1099, 1099 E, 1099 R and W3 EZ, which isn’t.
My Frye boots, big, bulky and battered, the oldest living household survivor of the 1960s, passed away peacefully April 2, 2015 after a long period of increasing obsolescence and occasional embarrassment when I tried to put them on.
The Neil Offen Column yesterday posted strong first quarter results that breezed past Wall Street’s extremely low expectations and even surprised some family members who haven’t laughed in months. In a conference call with analysts, Neil Offen Column CEO Neil Offen, citing those results, told Wall Street, “nana nana boo boo and so’s your old man.”
An update on my training progress for The Great Saunter, a 32-mile, 12-hour walk around the perimeter of Manhattan island that I have registered for while under the influence of extreme stupidity. (I also blame my 25-year-old daughter, who has 25-year-old legs and feet, and who said, during a conversation, “We can do this.” I think she was talking to her legs and feet.)
Over the next few weeks, people who have absolutely no idea what a bracket is and whether you need a Phillips screwdriver to attach one, will fill out the names of dozens of men’s college basketball teams without having a clue as to what they are doing or why they are doing it.
Please key in the airport from which you want to depart. If you don’t know or can’t figure out the code letters for the airport, we will assign you three letters at random and you may have to leave from Bogota, Columbia.
Although I am not, at this time, a candidate for president in 2016, I have decided to create an exploratory committee that will explore ways I can avoid saying I am a candidate for president in 2016.
A few days ago, just as I was all geared up to waste a few hours on mindless digital drivel, my Internet went down.
Even though I am a card-carrying “foodie” who was eating food and carrying cards before it became cool, there are a number of foods and dishes that I never heard of before about March 23, 2008. Fortunately, I have done my research, which I am more than willing to share.
Some years ago, just in time for them to become useless, I bought a number of audio cassette music tapes. It was part of my long-standing tradition of hopping on board a new technological trend at the precise moment the trend was ending.