Columnist: Neil Offen

Oct. 26, 2014 @ 05:08 PM

Offen: Dance to the music

Not too long ago, at a celebratory event, I found myself dancing with my young adult daughter. Afterward, as I was receiving oxygen, my daughter said she wanted to tell me something.

 

Oct. 19, 2014 @ 06:57 PM

Neil Offen: Listening to the Supremes

In a stunning decision that sent lawyers on both sides running to their checkbooks to see how much more they could charge for their advice, the U.S. Supreme Court today refused to issue an injunction against any further injunctions.


Oct. 12, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Offen: Putting down my foot

All I wanted, really, was to buy a new pair of sneakers. Of course, nobody sells sneakers anymore.


Oct. 05, 2014 @ 06:15 PM

Neil Offen: Getting up to date

This is update 8.02.4/6, designed to replace update 8.02.4/5, which replaced 8.02.4/4, which was supposed to greatly enhance your reading experience but instead locked your newspaper onto the paid obituary page.


Sep. 28, 2014 @ 08:24 AM

Offen: Planning my financial planning

I met with my financial adviser the other day, despite the fact that I don’t have many financials to advise and they are notoriously reluctant to listen when you offer them any suggestions. 

 

Sep. 21, 2014 @ 04:36 PM

Offen: Recognition where it’s due

Without the help of  all those working behind the scenes and several who worked in front of the scenes and those few who dared to work on the sides of the scenes, this column would not have been possible. Of course, then again, it might have been better.

 

Sep. 14, 2014 @ 06:25 PM

Neil Offen: Making a clean sweep

The other day, when I discovered that we have, in our house, 16 flower vases although I am allergic to flowers, I realized it was time to de-clutter.


Sep. 06, 2014 @ 01:16 AM

Neil Offen: Hair today, maybe gone tomorrow

If you haven’t much else to do and Google “how to grow a beard,” you will almost immediately find links to “3 Ways to Grow a Beard” and “17 Ways to Grow and Keep Facial Hair.” Not to mention “22 Steps to Growing a Beard (with pictures).”


Aug. 31, 2014 @ 06:31 PM

Neil Offen: Go take a hike

My idea of high technology, generally speaking, is a toaster. As everyone knows, it’s an inscrutably complex mechanism that requires pin-point adjustment and careful programming of that little dial on the bottom that determines how much you will burn the toast. Not to mention you also have to decide on and implement which is the correct side to use when you’re only toasting one slice.


Aug. 24, 2014 @ 10:26 PM

Neil Offen: Welcome back, deciphered

Welcome back, students. We are thrilled that you have returned for the new semester.

Translation: Couldn’t you have just waited another couple of weeks so that the rest of us could continue to find a parking space downtown?


Aug. 17, 2014 @ 03:36 PM

Offen: I prefer the great indoors

When asked, several years ago, if he had ever gone camping, my friend Frank responded, with a look of total bemused amazement on his face, “You mean, like on the ground?”

 

Aug. 10, 2014 @ 05:15 PM

Offen: Before you leave…

Here’s a list of what to do before you go on vacation:

Make a list of what to do before you go on vacation.


Aug. 03, 2014 @ 03:38 PM

Offen: The no-parking zone

I haven’t mentioned this to anyone before, so please keep it quiet because it’s embarrassing: I can’t park.

 

Jul. 27, 2014 @ 04:42 PM

Neil Offen: Weather or not

I turned on the television to get the weather. Sure, I could have looked out the window, I could have opened the door, but I wanted to have supporting evidence in case I was cross-examined.

 

Jul. 20, 2014 @ 04:17 PM

Neil Offen: Where does it hurt? Everywhere

Let’s see, here’s the current list: my right foot, my left hip, the middle of my central back, my left eye, my left wrist, my other wrist. Yes, those are the parts of my body that currently aren't quite working at optimal efficiency.