Neil Offen: Weather or not

Jul. 27, 2014 @ 04:42 PM

I turned on the television to get the weather. Sure, I could have looked out the window, I could have opened the door, but I wanted to have supporting evidence in case I was cross-examined.

I wanted to know for certain if it was raining outside and so I could be sure to forget my umbrella and leave it right by the door. I wanted to find out whether I should wear my down-lined, Gore-tex, thinsulated alpaca parka or a sleeveless T-shirt with my sleeveless bathing suit.
Instead, this is what I got:
Our Doppler $49.95 radar (Today only! Our lowest price of the season!) shows a low-level, high-pressure disturbance that could cause widely scattered disturbances if you were planning to take a nap this afternoon. The phone could beep even if you put it on mute, somebody could knock at the door or you could be disturbed to remember that the lasagna was still in the oven.
Meanwhile, the jet stream is bringing a cold front sweeping in from the Plains states where it couldn’t find a good bagel. That means we’re going to have some partly cloudy days mixed with some partly sunny days but only if the jet stream mixes partly with the Gulf Stream.
The front will then lift, so remember, lift from the knees and don’t strain. Clouds will start rolling in as the barometer falls and then the barometer will rise as you lift the clouds above your head.
Looking at our stormtracker, we see lots of little yellow blotches and some red blotches hanging on to a couple of green blotches. With our patented time-lapse technology, you can see the blotches seem to be moving southwest to northeast, or first base to third base, but of course, that could be because our screen needs to be cleaned.
If you take a closer look at stormtracker, you’ll notice that we have no storms to track but our blotches are clearing up thanks to better hygiene.
If you’re heading to the beaches this weekend, stop driving when you get to the sand. If, on the other hand, you’re headed to the mountains, you’ve probably made a mistake by driving to the ocean.
Turn around, as long as you’re not texting at the same time, and follow a band of humid air due west. Once you get to the mountains, you’ll find an area of low pressure as well as some nifty little rustic gift shops where you can find dream catchers made in Indian sweatshops.
Temperatures today will be all over the map, including some east, some west and some in Nantucket, depending on what map you’re using. Expect areas to the east to see readings well below the normal and areas to the south to have difficulties with reading the temperatures because the print size on our screen is too small.
The rest of the week looks good, clear and mild, with an occasional influx of locusts.

Neil Offen can reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.