Weather or not you need it

Jun. 05, 2013 @ 04:45 PM

Here’s your personal weather report, complete with Doppler 5000-Dow Jones 4,873, bottom of the ninth, two men on, radar.

The morning will see high pressure to get out of bed, particularly if you set the alarm for 10 minutes later than usual and hit the snooze button four times. When you look out the window, it’ll be partly cloudy or party sunny, depending on which window you’re looking out of.

With the barometer falling and the stock market rising, you’ll wonder if, in fact, there’s any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny. Expect some pockets of fog and difficult viewing conditions early until you can find your glasses. There’s a 60-percent chance you left them in the car but that will diminish to a 40-percent chance later in the day after you check out the car’s glove compartment and find only gloves.

A morning shower will be followed by the realization that you’re out of shampoo. As a low-pressure system moves in from the southwest, bringing with it salsa instead of ketchup, we should see some patchy rain which could turn heavy at times but only when you are trying to get into and out of your car.

Just in case, the National Weather Service has issued a “no white shoes advisory” for the afternoon.

After the front passes through on its way to a vacation time-share on the coast, the rest of the afternoon and the early evening should be mostly cloudy and breezy with a hint of thunder and a dash of cilantro. Overnight will bring lower temperatures, because that’s what happens at night when there’s no sun.

For the rest of the week, expect to see occasional patchy rain, some unpatchy rain, a few steady showers, a few scattered showers, intermittent sunny skies, hail stones as big as hail stones, irregular breezes, sporadic meteor sightings, two or three really bad television reality shows, some curiously odd-shaped clouds, random lightning, haphazard Internet connections, the storm of the century and pretty much everything else if you’re paying attention. There’s also a slight chance of locusts.

The National Weather Service has not yet issued a locust warning or even a locust watch, since no one has been watching for locusts or really knows what they look like.

An upper-level disturbance that’s now hovering over the lower Mississippi River Valley because housing costs are cheaper there will begin to move to a lower level and will disturb many people by calling during dinner time. It will not leave a message.

By Thursday, high temperatures will still remain below normal and will ask for special tutoring. Special tutors will ask, “What really is normal and shouldn’t we all just get along?”

The long-range forecast remains making sure you have your umbrella with you at all times. Except when you actually need it.

Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.