The signs of the times

Mar. 30, 2014 @ 06:19 PM

When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter collides with Mars, it leaves a big mess, usually just the day after the cleaning people have come. And it generally means it’s time to check your newspaper horoscope.

(In case you’re wondering, or you now get all your news from friends on Facebook and have never heard of Crimea, the horoscope usually can be found in the newspaper right next to the bmujel, or jumble. That in turn is right next to the Sudoku, which is the Crimean term for kale chips.)
The daily horoscope is based on astrology, which is based on the ancient classic practice, derived from the ancient classics, of conning the gullible. It offers advice on daily living, depending on which sign you are and whether you’ve finished the Sudoku already.
Advice such as:
ARIES: Get your affairs in order, preferably alphabetically but chronologically would work, too.
TAURUS: Be accurate and check things twice. Remember who’s been naughty and nice. If they’ve been naughty, forward lots of emails to them, including the ones you got from your wife’s niece’s boyfriend who said if you pass on this email to 12 people within the next 24 hours, you will receive 325 more solicitations from a company selling humidifier filters.
GEMINI: The most complicated problem can always be solved by running away from it, even if it’s a slow jog.
CANCER: Think outside the box today. Thinking inside the box is likely to give you a headache, particularly if you are claustrophobic and it’s a small box.
LEO: Avoid getting into arguments with anybody named Leo.
VIRGO: Your forward progress is temporarily sidelined. While it might seem frustrating to experience such a slowdown, you can always blame your spouse for the problem.
LIBRA: Try to economize. A penny saved is a penny earned, and if you save a lot of pennies, you will still need to save a lot of pennies.
SCORPIO: Time to switch gears, particularly while trying to get out of that parking space at the mall. Try reverse.
SAGITTARIUS: Stay centered today. This is particularly important if you are leaning too far to the left or the right, in which case you could fall down and break your hip and have to pay a significant co-pay.
CAPRICORN: Resist all temptation, except Breyer’s mint chocolate chip ice cream, which gets a waiver because it’s really good and that means the calories really don’t count.
AQUARIUS: Be persistent. Remember slow and steady wins the race, unless you’re so slow, the race is over and you get lost and have to take the bus home.
PISCES:  Don’t try to accomplish more than you are capable of doing, particularly if you are not capable of doing very much. On the other hand, if you try to accomplish less than you are capable of doing, you will probably end up reading your horoscope all day.
Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.