Arguably, my top 10 performances

Dec. 15, 2013 @ 08:17 PM

It’s Top 10 season. Since I only saw three movies during the course of the year, and two of them were “Casablanca” and the third I can’t remember but I don’t think was “Casablanca,” here are my Top 10 performances of the year.

10. The argument I got into with the phone company when they told me it would cost $75 to switch my line for free.
9. The argument I got into with the health insurance company when they told me that “this is not a bill,” but when the bill actually does come, my discount will be 83 percent, my covered amount will be 66 percent, my co-pay deductible will be 79 percent and my co-insurance will be 91 percent but I nevertheless will owe $732.
8. The argument I got into with the hospital when they sent me the bill for the lab test I didn’t have which was overseen by the doctor I never saw.
7. The argument I got into with the home insurance company when they told me they were revoking my home insurance coverage because I didn’t have hedges by my front porch even though I don’t have a front porch.
6. The argument I got into with the home appliance store when they delivered the new oven that didn’t work and said they could get me a new one.
In two months.
Or get the repair crew out.
In three months.
As long as I wanted the oven to be camouflage green.
5. The argument I got into with the computer company when they told me that the extra-expensive warranty that I had bought on the new computer that covered anything that could possibly happen to the computer didn’t actually cover the computer not working.
4. The argument I got into with the cable company over why they suddenly decided to make the little information box on the bottom of the screen that tells you what you’re actually seeing so small that you can’t see it and don’t realize you’re watching Dora the Explorer again. 
3. The argument I got into with the smart phone company when I switched to the new smart phone operating system and then decided I didn’t want the new operating system because the new system didn’t operate like the old operating system.  
2. The argument I got into with the bank when they billed me twice for the mortgage payment right after they told me how much simpler things would be if I went paperless and just did everything online. Including paying my mortgage twice.
They were right. It was easier for them.
1. The argument I got into with the airline company when they told me they wouldn’t reimburse me for the flight that never got to where it was supposed to get to and insisted that it really wasn’t their fault because … well, because it was my fault for getting into so many arguments. 
Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.