Don’t read this before you eat

Jun. 30, 2013 @ 12:44 PM

Nutrition Facts, above the bar code, direct from the label that really should be there.

Serving size: Not nearly enough.

This is particularly true when you are hungry and you haven’t actually eaten since your last meal, which may have been breakfast and thus doesn’t count. Also particularly true if this label is on frozen marshmallow twists. According to the most recent research, there’s no way that three twists is enough for a serving size if you are completely out of Twizzlers and have nowhere else to turn.

Note: Serving sizes are sometimes given in grams. You can ignore this information because no one really knows what a gram is and the state legislature is considering banning them as un-American. 

Calories per serving: The actual number of calories will depend on whether anyone is actually watching you eat.

A chewy chocolate chip cookie, for instance, is only 3.5 calories if everyone’s out of the house and you are on your fifth one after promising to eat only two. If, on the other hand, your partner or spouse is in the kitchen and wondering why there are chocolate chip cookie crumbs all over the floor and in the lettuce bin, one cookie will be your full caloric intake until you can get to the ones you stuffed in your pocket as soon as you heard the front door open.

Total Fat: 22 percent of daily value. This means that you only have a few more hours to get the other 78 percent.

Time, as you know, is running out, even if we do have daylight savings time right now.

Saturated fat: Saturated fat is measured by the number of grease stains on your new pants. The more grease stains, the more dangerous to your health, unless you are a dry cleaning establishment. 

Sodium: In a startling discovery, the National Institutes of Health recently found that sodium may either be good or bad for your health or maybe in between. Or as they finally determined, who really knows?

The NIH now recommends that people above the age of 50 who are on a low-sodium diet should stop trying to remember how really good those extra-salty french fries were when they were 35. They should also stop trying to convince their children that popular music was much better then, too. 

For those under 50, the recommendation is to stop spending so much time on Facebook and posting seven-second videos and get out there and eat some french fries. 

Dietary fiber: Fiber can lower cholesterol, improve heart health and occasionally mow the lawn. Fiber can be found in whole grains, legumes and old cardboard boxes that you’ve kept in the storage shed for reasons you no longer remember. (Legumes, incidentally, can be found in the legume section of your supermarket.)

Since it is sometimes difficult to find fiber in frozen marshmallow twists, don’t forget to eat this label.  

Neil Offen can be reached at theneiloffencolumn@yahoo.com.