Columnist: Neil Offen

Aug. 31, 2014 @ 06:31 PM

Neil Offen: Go take a hike

My idea of high technology, generally speaking, is a toaster. As everyone knows, it’s an inscrutably complex mechanism that requires pin-point adjustment and careful programming of that little dial on the bottom that determines how much you will burn the toast. Not to mention you also have to decide on and implement which is the correct side to use when you’re only toasting one slice.


Aug. 24, 2014 @ 10:26 PM

Neil Offen: Welcome back, deciphered

Welcome back, students. We are thrilled that you have returned for the new semester.

Translation: Couldn’t you have just waited another couple of weeks so that the rest of us could continue to find a parking space downtown?


Aug. 17, 2014 @ 03:36 PM

Offen: I prefer the great indoors

When asked, several years ago, if he had ever gone camping, my friend Frank responded, with a look of total bemused amazement on his face, “You mean, like on the ground?”

 

Aug. 10, 2014 @ 05:15 PM

Offen: Before you leave…

Here’s a list of what to do before you go on vacation:

Make a list of what to do before you go on vacation.


Aug. 03, 2014 @ 03:38 PM

Offen: The no-parking zone

I haven’t mentioned this to anyone before, so please keep it quiet because it’s embarrassing: I can’t park.

 

Jul. 27, 2014 @ 04:42 PM

Neil Offen: Weather or not

I turned on the television to get the weather. Sure, I could have looked out the window, I could have opened the door, but I wanted to have supporting evidence in case I was cross-examined.

 

Jul. 20, 2014 @ 04:17 PM

Neil Offen: Where does it hurt? Everywhere

Let’s see, here’s the current list: my right foot, my left hip, the middle of my central back, my left eye, my left wrist, my other wrist. Yes, those are the parts of my body that currently aren't quite working at optimal efficiency.


Jul. 13, 2014 @ 01:10 PM

Offen: At the tone, please leave

You’ve reached Neil’s phone but I can’t take your call right now because right now I’m not sure exactly where I left my phone although it might still be in the car or perhaps in the jeans I was wearing Tuesday evening. In any case, at the tone, please leave a message.

 

Jul. 06, 2014 @ 04:45 PM

Neil Offen: Alone with my lawn

It’s probably going to rain today. I just watered my lawn.

Not that you could tell, of course.


Jun. 29, 2014 @ 07:25 PM

Offen: The benefit of an explanation

This is not a bill. This is also not an airplane or a cupcake.
This is an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your health insurance company (HIC) concerning the services that were provided by your health care provider (YHCP) on or about two weeks ago from last Thursday (LTH) at about 3:30 p.m. or maybe a little later if it’s that important to you.


Jun. 22, 2014 @ 05:53 PM

Offen: Dreaming of sleeping

There are, of course, two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don’t. 


Jun. 16, 2014 @ 11:09 AM

Offen: Clear sailing

It was a beautiful, warm, gloriously sunny late spring day. 


Jun. 08, 2014 @ 05:06 PM

Neil Offen: 44 years, and counting

This past Thursday, my wife and I celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary, which is, technically, impossible, since I’m pretty sure I’m only about 43 years old.


Jun. 01, 2014 @ 07:34 PM

Neil Offen: How to remember to remember

As she leaves for work every morning, my wife recites a mnemonic device that helps remind her that she is leaving for work.


May. 25, 2014 @ 04:37 PM

Neil Offen: I am not a candidate … yet

Let me reiterate and make this perfectly clear: I have no intention, currently, at this moment, as of early this morning, right now, of running for president in 2016.

However, as I state in my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” circumstances can change.