Columnist: Neil Offen

Dec. 21, 2014 @ 06:40 PM

Neil Offen: A high-tech holiday in verse

’Twas the Monday before Christmas,

when all through the manse,

not a hashtag was stirring, no tweets had a chance.


Dec. 14, 2014 @ 03:36 PM

Neil Offen: Walk this way

 Neil Offen: Walk this way


Dec. 07, 2014 @ 01:43 PM

Neil Offen: Sick of it

I don’t get sick. I never get sick. That is, of course, what all of us say when we actually do get sick


Nov. 30, 2014 @ 01:08 PM

Neil Offen: A question of security

To make sure you are not a robot, an Uzbekistani hacker or an 11-year-old computer geek living down the block with too much time on his hands, please answer the following security questions before we can allow you to access your account.


Nov. 23, 2014 @ 02:41 PM

Neil Offen: A feast to remember

Last year, the night before Thanksgiving, our oven exploded. That was not in the recipe.

This year, as preparation for the big day, I’ve developed a terrible November cold which has exploded all over my nose and lungs. This, too, was not in the recipe we saw in “Joy of Cooking” nor did we see it in “Joy of Coughing.”


Nov. 16, 2014 @ 05:24 PM

Offen: I did it by myself. Unfortunately

Do it yourself is fine unless I’m doing it myself. Yourself is probably much better.

 

Nov. 09, 2014 @ 06:40 PM

Offen: Another medical advancement

Welcome to your new electronic health records portal, ushering in a new generation of high-tech medicinal confusion. Here you will have immediate access to all the frustration and time-wasting that in the past you could only get by going directly to the doctor’s office.

 

Nov. 02, 2014 @ 04:23 PM

Offen: Let the record show

It’s time we stand by our records, so let the record show that my opponent has pulled the wings off insects.

 

Oct. 26, 2014 @ 05:08 PM

Offen: Dance to the music

Not too long ago, at a celebratory event, I found myself dancing with my young adult daughter. Afterward, as I was receiving oxygen, my daughter said she wanted to tell me something.

 

Oct. 19, 2014 @ 06:57 PM

Neil Offen: Listening to the Supremes

In a stunning decision that sent lawyers on both sides running to their checkbooks to see how much more they could charge for their advice, the U.S. Supreme Court today refused to issue an injunction against any further injunctions.


Oct. 12, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Offen: Putting down my foot

All I wanted, really, was to buy a new pair of sneakers. Of course, nobody sells sneakers anymore.


Oct. 05, 2014 @ 06:15 PM

Neil Offen: Getting up to date

This is update 8.02.4/6, designed to replace update 8.02.4/5, which replaced 8.02.4/4, which was supposed to greatly enhance your reading experience but instead locked your newspaper onto the paid obituary page.


Sep. 28, 2014 @ 08:24 AM

Offen: Planning my financial planning

I met with my financial adviser the other day, despite the fact that I don’t have many financials to advise and they are notoriously reluctant to listen when you offer them any suggestions. 

 

Sep. 21, 2014 @ 04:36 PM

Offen: Recognition where it’s due

Without the help of  all those working behind the scenes and several who worked in front of the scenes and those few who dared to work on the sides of the scenes, this column would not have been possible. Of course, then again, it might have been better.

 

Sep. 14, 2014 @ 06:25 PM

Neil Offen: Making a clean sweep

The other day, when I discovered that we have, in our house, 16 flower vases although I am allergic to flowers, I realized it was time to de-clutter.