Columnist: Neil Offen

Aug. 17, 2014 @ 03:36 PM

Offen: I prefer the great indoors

When asked, several years ago, if he had ever gone camping, my friend Frank responded, with a look of total bemused amazement on his face, “You mean, like on the ground?”

 

Aug. 10, 2014 @ 05:15 PM

Offen: Before you leave…

Here’s a list of what to do before you go on vacation:

Make a list of what to do before you go on vacation.


Aug. 03, 2014 @ 03:38 PM

Offen: The no-parking zone

I haven’t mentioned this to anyone before, so please keep it quiet because it’s embarrassing: I can’t park.

 

Jul. 27, 2014 @ 04:42 PM

Neil Offen: Weather or not

I turned on the television to get the weather. Sure, I could have looked out the window, I could have opened the door, but I wanted to have supporting evidence in case I was cross-examined.

 

Jul. 20, 2014 @ 04:17 PM

Neil Offen: Where does it hurt? Everywhere

Let’s see, here’s the current list: my right foot, my left hip, the middle of my central back, my left eye, my left wrist, my other wrist. Yes, those are the parts of my body that currently aren't quite working at optimal efficiency.


Jul. 13, 2014 @ 01:10 PM

Offen: At the tone, please leave

You’ve reached Neil’s phone but I can’t take your call right now because right now I’m not sure exactly where I left my phone although it might still be in the car or perhaps in the jeans I was wearing Tuesday evening. In any case, at the tone, please leave a message.

 

Jul. 06, 2014 @ 04:45 PM

Neil Offen: Alone with my lawn

It’s probably going to rain today. I just watered my lawn.

Not that you could tell, of course.


Jun. 29, 2014 @ 07:25 PM

Offen: The benefit of an explanation

This is not a bill. This is also not an airplane or a cupcake.
This is an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your health insurance company (HIC) concerning the services that were provided by your health care provider (YHCP) on or about two weeks ago from last Thursday (LTH) at about 3:30 p.m. or maybe a little later if it’s that important to you.


Jun. 22, 2014 @ 05:53 PM

Offen: Dreaming of sleeping

There are, of course, two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don’t. 


Jun. 16, 2014 @ 11:09 AM

Offen: Clear sailing

It was a beautiful, warm, gloriously sunny late spring day. 


Jun. 08, 2014 @ 05:06 PM

Neil Offen: 44 years, and counting

This past Thursday, my wife and I celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary, which is, technically, impossible, since I’m pretty sure I’m only about 43 years old.


Jun. 01, 2014 @ 07:34 PM

Neil Offen: How to remember to remember

As she leaves for work every morning, my wife recites a mnemonic device that helps remind her that she is leaving for work.


May. 25, 2014 @ 04:37 PM

Neil Offen: I am not a candidate … yet

Let me reiterate and make this perfectly clear: I have no intention, currently, at this moment, as of early this morning, right now, of running for president in 2016.

However, as I state in my currently available new book, “Running for President in 2016,” circumstances can change.


May. 18, 2014 @ 06:43 PM

Neil Offen: The tiring act of retiring

A little more than a year ago, I packed up all my cares and woes, along with my curated collection of old take-out menus from restaurants that no longer existed, emptied my desk, refused to sharpen any more pencils, left my office and retired from my job.


May. 11, 2014 @ 04:38 PM

Offen: Running for my life

First, the good news. The other weekend, I ran a 5K race and I did not end up in the emergency room. In fact, I finished second in my age group.
The bad news is that I’m not sure there were more than two people in my age group.
And to make it worse, the other guy in my age group just managed to edge me out by a hair — or more precisely, by 17 minutes.