Welcome to campus, college students! And please put down your phones and stop snapchatting for just a moment and try to pay attention.
In this Move-In Guide, we have all the answers to all your questions as you begin this important new chapter in your lives of ruining traffic and parking for all of the rest of us who live here all the time.
So let’s take a look at some of those questions you might have.
Why is my dorm room on the other side of the interstate from the main campus, seven stories up on the top floor, at the end of the last corridor and 2.3 miles away from the suite bathroom?
Congratulations on winning the dorm lottery! And by the way, considering everything, we don’t recommend your scheduling any 8 a.m. classes.
Can I change my assigned roommate?
Yes, if it turns out your assigned roommate really spends all day watching reruns of The Bachelorette and buffing his AK-47, you can request a new roommate by filling out the “I want to change my roommate Form RQ47.” Be aware, though, you may end up replacing the roommate who always called you “Dude” with a roommate who now always calls you “Bro.”
What do I need for my dorm room?
You should first bring sheets that will fit an irregularly shaped bed that is actually four feet longer than it is wide and is perfect for your new roommate, Gumby. Also, do not forget to bring a shower tote bucket, where you can carefully place all your toiletries and cover them with soap scum.
To make the dorm room feel more like home, consider decorating it in ratty old T-shirts left on the floor and multi-colored sticky notes stuck to the T-shirts.
Are there items I shouldn’t bring to my dorm room?
Yes. No halogen lamps, candles, incense or squirrels.
Where can I do my laundry?
Laundry? You’re a college student — who does laundry?
How do I pick a meal plan?
We offer multiple kinds of meal plans, including the 42-pizzas-a-week plan, as well as meal plans that are non-gluten or, for the more adventurous, all-gluten. You also can choose from vegan, vegetarian, ovo-lacto vegetarian and pollovegetarian. If you have to ask what a pollovegetarian is, you’re not one.
Can I bring a bike to campus?
Of course you can. We encourage all students to use alternative transportation methods to get around campus because there are only seven parking spots on campus. Note that when you are on your bike going down a hill at 35 miles an hour you should probably stop trying to watch the last episode of Game of Thrones on your iPad.
And remember, you can register your bike for free, so when it gets stolen next week during your first class, you’ll have a receipt that you will always have to remember it by.
OK, when can I move in?
Your move-in time is determined by the dorm you’ve been assigned, the first letter of your last name and your astrological sign. If you’re Taurus, you’re in big trouble.
Neil Offen can be reached at email@example.com. Past columns can be found at www.theneiloffencolumn.wordpress.com.