Things of which I am sick and tired, by Vicki Wentz
I have been building a small volcano in my stomach in recent months, and unless I eat only white things like rice, bagels and plain pasta, it will erupt, involving anything from minor to please-shoot-me pain. The doctor says I have an ulcer (please, I raised two children alone from babyhood with no money and mostly no job, no car, no washer, no dryer and no air-conditioning ... I am WAY overdue). She gave me medicine, which I take reluctantly, because being Italian and a Scorpio, I believe I’d be fine if everyone simply did things the way I want them to.
So, instead of this medicine and the medicine I’ve been taking to get to sleep -- which has become agonizing, causing extreme melodrama in front of the dogs at 1 or 2 a.m. -- I’m going to vent my frustrations, the building blocks of my volcano, here.
You are not obliged to read along, but it would behoove you to do so, for you’ll share some of my exasperations, so we can sort of co-vent, which can only make us closer. It may be painful, and in the end we’ll be spent, but then we can pick up our newly-cleansed selves and see a movie!
First, I am sick and tired of government. No, that’s not political, it’s human. I’m sick and tired of being told to jump through ring after nonsensical ring if I want to do anything. See, I want my own health insurance, my own way. And, if I don’t want health insurance, I won’t buy health insurance. If I want to see a national monument, I’ll see it. I’ll walk through barricades, I’ll take pictures, I’ll enjoy the sights of my own great country, and if someone tries to stop me, I’ll go down swinging. Jail? Fine, I’ll write to you from there.
Second -- and this is possibly a genius-like segue -- I’m sick and tired of automatic toilets ... and sinks, and soap and towel dispensers, and those industrial toilet paper holders that won’t turn all the way around, so you have to “unwrap” your toilet paper instead of just rolling it out the way God intended!
The toilets NEVER flush at the right time, either causing you embarrassment if someone is waiting to enter after you, or triggering a premature thundering that scares the #$@! out of you... which, thank goodness you’re sitting right there at that moment, if you know what I mean.
The sink, soap and towel dispensers, without fail, will ... well, fail ... as women all over the restroom are gyrating in ways with which only a mime could identify.
I am sick and tired of laws, rules and regulations on everything from where you can smoke (and I haven’t picked up a cigarette since I tried a non-filtered Chesterfield King at age 14 and threw up in the bathroom at the Texaco station near my school -- my friends made me do it) to the hours you’re “allowed” to run your leaf blower, to when you’re “permitted” to use a cellphone. (I’m a grown woman -- I know when I can safely use a cellphone! And, don’t get me started on the laws pertaining not just to wearing a seatbelt, but to HOW you wear a seatbelt. I went to court on that one - and WON, baby!)
I’m sick and tired of young adults, in public, spouting intimate and/or offensive words and ideas, especially when there are children or older people around. They have not been taught respect, for themselves or for others. Shame on their parents!
I’m sick and tired of grocery and gas prices constantly rising, stoplights at every corner, being expected (as a lady) to shake hands with people, inexplicably low speed limits, people who don’t say “excuse me,” booming music from a neighboring car, ungrateful and “entitled” people, waiting longer than an hour to see a doctor, being required to give my birth date out loud to anyone who asks for it “for their records,” and being unable to find one human being on nine out of 10 phone calls to businesses!
I’m fed up with racist behavior and racist accusations on the flimsiest of pretexts, by people of all races. I’m sick of commercials with words like “bladder mesh” and “pelvic sling” and “erections lasting longer than four hours” (please, has anyone ever had that? I’m just saying...).
I’m sick of being nagged and threatened by the media to “lead a healthy lifestyle.” It’s nobody’s business if I want a Twinkie or don’t belong to a gym! You’re perfectly welcome to eat kale and attend Bootcamp classes, but honestly, it doesn’t make you a better person. How about I take care of me, and you take care of you?
OK, I feel better. So, what movie do you want to see?
Vicki Wentz is a local writer, teacher and speaker. Readers may contact her at email@example.com, or visit her website, www.vickiwentz.com.