Happy Easter, happy spring, have you heard Shania sing!

Apr. 22, 2014 @ 12:33 PM

It’s Easter, and my love to you all! (No, I’m not in the bourbon, I’m on spring break … FINALLY!) In honor of this wondrous holiday, I began the following poem:

Happy Easter! Happy spring! 
Happy school vacationing!
Far from all those students’ eyes
Rolling, and those heavy sighs,
“We know SO much more than you!”
“Please don’t speak!” and “Get a clue!”
Spring break’s here, it’s time to rest,
And grade one hundred English tests.
Time to read, and time to sleep,
Time to eat a yellow Peep!
Chocolate bunnies, caramel eggs,
Counting age spots on my legs.
Time to use my Sit-n-Reach,
Time to ponder why I teach…

As you can see, it deteriorated, and I was a bit frightened about where it would end up, so I decided to write about my finally-finished website!
Last summer, one of the things I promised myself was that I would absolutely, positively get my website done. And by that I mean find someone else to get my website done, because what do I know about websites, except that everyone always asks me if I have one, and apparently you can’t lie about that, because people ask for the web address, and when they find nothing, your credibility, not to mention your sanity, is in question. 
I decided to find a university student who knew how to make a website, because normally students are young, energetic, hungry, and cheap, and “Jacob” fit the bill. 
The first thing he asked me to do was to forward him a picture. (Looking back, this probably signaled the beginning of the end for “Jacob”.) I sent him one of Shania Twain. However, although I assured him we are like twins, he had some weird moral issue about using it, so I sent him one of me -- that’ll teach him.
The next thing he asked for was an Author Bio. He said to keep it brief and to the point ... he doesn’t know me:
“Vicki Wentz was born and raised in Columbus, Ohio, and moved to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, in 1989.  She now considers herself full of Southern Pride and Fried, but she’s also very much Italian (hence the emotion) and a little bit German (hence the disapproval of the emotion).
“Vicki is the mother of two grown children, a daughter and a son.  She also has two dogs, and has spent hundreds of dollars in fruitless attempts to train them (although they did better than the children).  Both dogs and children have provided endless material for her columns.  She has been a teacher for 25 years, as well, teaching Drama and English in every grade from kindergarten through high school, which has also supplied her with hysterical stories into the next millennium. 
“In 2001, Vicki stopped teaching and began to write, and she presently claims a sizeable group of devoted fans ... who sometimes don’t write, they don’t call, but whatever...
“Having achieved a post-graduate degree many years ago (when it was much harder) Vicki is regularly invited to speak to various groups from ladies clubs to civic associations to student nursing classes, on a wide range of topics because of her ability to do so in a high-spirited and comically entertaining way ... and also because she bears a striking resemblance to Shania Twain.
“Vicki continues her quest for the perfect diet and exercise plan, which will include large vats of chocolate and absolutely no sweating. (In the summer of 1991, Vicki walked 217 miles alone, from her home in Chapel Hill to Grandfather Mountaintop, in Linville, N.C., to raise money for children’s cancer research, in memory of a close friend who’d recently died of cancer; being a single-mom teacher, she obviously had no money of her own to donate. This made her a minor local celeb for a while, but it also made her sweat more than she thought humanly possible. She considers this her perspiration quota for life.)
“Vicki has now reached middle age, where she intends to stay. She hasn’t had time for a mid-life crisis, which she considers unfair in the extreme. The children are grown, and in her serene journey through menopause, she finds herself screaming at household appliances, making desperate plans to sing in a Broadway show, and crying whenever she’s out of milk. She spends entire days on the phone with cable TV companies, or computer tech-assistance departments, just waiting to speak to a live person, so months can pass where she doesn’t get out much, except to walk to the mailbox to see if her children remember she’s alive. It’s the only fresh air she gets. 
“Vicki welcomes you to her website. She hopes you enjoy your time here, and thank you for finding more to laugh about in her life than she does.”
So that’s it. Are you thinking (like Shania sings) “She’s Not Just a Pretty Face!”... or “That Don’t Impress Me Much!”
Oh, yeah -- Happy Easter!

Vicki Wentz is a local writer, teacher and speaker. Readers may contact her at chh@heraldsun.com, or by visiting her website at www.vickiwentz.com.